One of you has suggested couples counselling. The other may be less sure, or not sure at all. That’s a normal place to start from, and it doesn’t have to be resolved before you come. You can arrive with different levels of enthusiasm and still both get something out of it.
This is here to say what counselling with me actually involves, and what it doesn’t, so you both know what you’d be walking into.
What it is
A space for both of you. You both get heard, and both of your accounts are taken seriously, even when they don’t line up.
Work on the pattern you get stuck in, the loop that keeps happening, rather than a hunt for who started it.
A slower version of the conversations that usually speed up and go wrong at home. Part of my job is keeping things at a pace where you can both think.
Yours to steer. Neither of you has to raise anything before you’re ready.
What it isn’t
I’m not a referee. I’m not there to hear both sides and rule on who’s right.
It isn’t two against one. Whoever booked the session, I’m not their ally, and I won’t be recruited onto either side.
It isn’t about blame. Understanding how you both end up in the same argument is more use than settling whose fault it is.
I won’t tell you whether to stay together or separate. That’s yours to work out, and I’ll help you do it whichever way it goes.
Coming isn’t proof the relationship has failed. Plenty of couples come because they still want to make something work.
Questions either of you might arrive with
One of us wanted this more than the other. Does that matter?
Not in the way you might think. It’s common for one person to raise it first. That doesn’t make them the patient or the other one the problem. You’re both in the room as equals.
Will you take sides?
No. If either of you feels I’ve tipped towards the other, say so and we’ll look at it. Keeping the room fair is my job.
Does going mean we’re failing?
No. It usually means at least one of you still cares enough to try. That’s a starting point, not a verdict.
Am I going to get blamed for everything?
No. I’m not interested in a list of who did what. I’m interested in the pattern between you, which neither of you builds alone.
Do we have to rake over feelings and the past?
Only as much as is useful, and at your own pace. A lot of it is about now, about how the two of you actually talk to each other. Neither of you will be made to perform emotions you don’t feel.
What if we want different things? What if one of us isn’t sure they want to stay?
That’s common, and it’s workable. We can hold it honestly rather than pretend you’re both in the same place. Sometimes the work is deciding together what happens next.
Will you try to keep us together no matter what?
No. I don’t have a target outcome for your relationship. My job is to help you understand it clearly enough to make your own choices.
Is it confidential?
I explain confidentiality terms in the first session. One thing to know upfront: all communication is three way. I don’t hold secrets for one of you against the other, and I won’t take a private disclosure from one partner that the other isn’t party to. It keeps the room honest and safe for both of you.
What if it doesn’t help?
It might not, and I won’t promise it will. What I can say is that most couples get something out of learning to talk differently, even while the bigger questions take time. If it isn’t working, we’ll say so and look at why.
If you’re willing to try
You don’t have to commit to a course of anything. Come once, see how the room feels, and decide from there. You’re both allowed to be sceptical and still turn up.