What couples bring to me
Most couples who get in touch have been living with something for a while before they call. It might be that you’ve drifted into living more like roommates than partners: civil enough, sharing a house and a calendar, but with the closeness gone out of it. It might be the same argument on a loop, the one that starts somewhere small and ends in the same place every time. For some it’s after a breach of trust, and the question of whether you can come back from it. For others it’s a slow drift after a big change, a baby, a house move, a new job, an illness, and you’ve ended up further apart than you meant to.
You don’t have to have it worked out before you make contact. Most people can’t say exactly what’s wrong, only that something is. That’s enough to start with.
How I work with couples
I work with what happens between you. Not by picking a side, or finding the fault and correcting it, but by paying attention to the relationship itself, which is its own presence in the room alongside the two of you.
The heart of it is staying distinct. A lot of couples trouble comes from the two of you collapsing into one, where your partner’s mood becomes your mood and there’s no room left to be separate. The work is about each of you holding your own ground while staying close, which is harder than it sounds and is where real change tends to come from.
There’s more on how this works on my relationship counselling page.
In person in Bude, or online
I see couples in person in Bude, at Neetside Community Centre, right in the middle of town. It’s an easy reach if you’re in Bude itself or in the villages and towns around it: Stratton, Poughill, Kilkhampton, Widemouth Bay, and a bit further out from Holsworthy, Launceston, Camelford, Boscastle and across North Cornwall.
There’s something to working in the same room together, in person, that’s hard to put your finger on but easy to feel. For couples especially, being in the room with each other and with me, rather than three faces on a screen, gives the work somewhere to happen.
If you’re further afield, or in-person doesn’t fit around work and family, I also work o-nline with couples across the UK.
John Walter Counsellor
Neetside Community Centre, Bude, Cornwall, EX23 8LB
07501 222779
Why work with me
Before I trained as a counsellor, I spent thirty years in work that all fed into this: a therapeutic community, teaching, foster parenting, years of group and men’s work, and more besides. I came to counselling after a significant loss of my own, so I know something of what it is to sit on the other side of it.
I’m an accredited member of the National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society, with specialist training in working with couples. That last part matters: couples work isn’t individual work with two people in the room, it’s a discipline of its own, and it’s where a lot of my focus has gone.
The first step
The hardest part is often making the first move, especially if only one of you is sure about it. You don’t need to have talked it through together first, and you don’t need to know what you want to say.
Start with a free phone call. It’s a chance to tell me a little about what’s going on, ask anything you want, and get a feel for whether I’m the right person for the two of you. No commitment, and no charge.
Fees – In person, Bude
- Individuals £60
- Couples £95
- Children and young people £40
My fees for working in person in Bude are lower than my online fees, and that’s on purpose. Cornwall is one of the lower-income parts of the country, and I don’t want the cost to be the thing that stops a local person from sitting in the room with me.
Fees – Online, UK
- Individuals £75
- Couples £120
Common questions
Do we have to come in person, or can we do it online?
Whatever works for you. Most couples I see for this come to the room at Neetside Community Centre, but if travel or timing makes that hard, we can just as easily work online. Some couples mix the two.
What happens in a first session?
There’s no set script. We’ll talk about what’s brought you here, what you’re hoping might change, and whether working together feels right for both of you. It’s as much you finding out if this is a good fit as it is me getting a sense of what’s going on.
What if only one of us wants to come?
I’d need to see you together rather than starting with one of you alone. If I’ve already worked with one of you individually, I can’t then take you on as a couple, I’d refer you on to someone else for that. So if you’re both even slightly open to it, it’s worth coming to that first session together rather than one of you testing the water alone first.
How often do we have to come?
Weekly to start, usually a 90 minute session. That gives us room to get into things properly and build some momentum. Once you’re in a flow, we can move to 60 minutes, or space sessions out to fortnightly. Any less often than that and it’s hard to make real headway; too much gets lost between sessions.
Do you use the Gottman Method, or things like sensate focus for sexual issues?
No. I don’t work from a fixed method or a set of exercises. My approach is relational: I work with what’s actually happening between the two of you, in the room and in your lives, rather than running you through a programme. If sex or intimacy is part of what’s brought you here, that’s welcome; I won’t hand you a set of prescribed exercises to work through at home. The change comes from what shifts between you, not from following a rule book.
Not sure if it’s right for you? Let’s talk first.
The best way to find out whether we’re a good fit is with a free phone call. No cost, no pressure, just a chance to tell me what’s going on and ask anything you want before you decide. If it feels right, we book a first session from there.