Originally published in Counselling Matters Magazine June 2024

I became a counsellor as a result of bereavement. I was winding down my teaching career, wondering what was next for me. I occupied myself with retirement projects like converting a camper van but knew that doing nothing in retirement was not an option.

During the heatwave in July 2018, my world fell apart. A brief phone call had us racing to London in the knowledge that our daughter had taken her own life that afternoon. My grief process began with me slipping into my active role. It felt very natural to comfort her friends, make logistical phone calls, and introduce stability and calm into a chaotic and desperate space. 

Within two weeks, I had signed up to train as a Counsellor, a three-year journey. The Tutor had reservations because I had recently been bereaved, but a face-to-face meeting convinced him of my readiness. I needed to give something back and find a purpose for my retirement years.

I was simultaneously trying to find counselling for myself. This was also met with resistance. Bereavement Counselling charities suggested I wait three months before starting anything. My response was to ring Samaritans regularly and find a private Counsellor as fast as possible.

My grief process was very personal and very active. The moment I stepped out into the sunshine on the morning after her death, I knew my life would never be the same. I felt the joy and excitement of being in London on a beautiful sunny day alongside the devastation of losing my precious daughter and needing to go to the Morgue to identify her.

How was it possible to hold both of these emotions at once? I was not yet aware this was to be my biggest learning from grief and that seven years later, I would still be balancing these two seemingly opposite emotions on a daily basis and accepting I would until the end of my days.

We attended regular groups and retreats to connect with others in a similar position. I went through a few counsellors trying to find a good fit. I learnt the importance of talking and being listened to without prejudice. I learnt that I did not need education about grief; I was experiencing it first-hand.

I did not need advice or comfort; I did not need special treatment; I did not need a grief expert to tell me what grief was or outline stages I might go through. I needed someone to be in conversation with me to help me verbalise things that were almost impossible to express. I wanted someone to listen and accept my grief process for what it was.

Giving back

My first and most important placement while training was with a hospice. It was during the Covid Lockdowns and took place entirely through phone calls. Clients could be caring for a loved one in their last days, or they could have lost someone being cared for in the Hospice, and I could be speaking to them at any stage in that process.

I soon learnt that a close therapeutic relationship was not only possible but could flourish over an audio-only connection. It felt like a very pure, Person-Centred process. All I could do was listen and respond to those words. There was no body language to interpret, no facial expressions to give clues, just words and the tone with which they were delivered.

The magic ingredient while volunteering at the hospice was an extraordinary peer supervision group led by two of the staff counsellors. I carried on volunteering for a year after qualifying just to access the support of this group.

I felt gently held by the group, and we were modelling everything about the bereavement counselling process to each other each time we met. There was no drama. No one ever tried to rescue me, advise me, or judge my actions. I was encouraged to follow my own intuition and notice the feelings that might erupt in me during the conversations.

Another factor contributing to the success of counselling at the hospice was the fact that sessions were free, unlimited and available for the rest of the client’s life. The client was in control of how regularly they wanted them and when they wanted to take breaks.

Losing a Child to Suicide

Grief is often a trigger which uncovers long-buried feelings.

There was no restriction on the work covered or the modality we worked with at the hospice. Although I was being trained as an integrative therapist, I had long ago experience with Psychodynamic and Person-Centred work. I was encouraged to use whatever approaches I felt the client needed.

With all clients, once we explored the initial grief, they would begin sharing childhood or relationship issues that had been triggered by the grief process. It might be an abusive relationship in early or later life or ways in which they had limited themselves in life relating to limitations seemingly imposed by parents. It felt an important part of the grief process to allow these reflections of unresolved life experiences.

Finding new meaning and possibility

I never use the phrase “moving on” in relation to grief. It suggests that you can pick up where you left off and keep moving forward in the same linear way you always have without the person you have lost. However, in clients, I often saw a shift from mourning the loss to celebrating the life of a loved one. I might encourage the celebration and begin exploring how they might create a new life for themselves without the other person.

Some clients may have spent a long time as carers; one had been in this full-time role for 15 years. How do you adjust when that role is no longer there? Looking back to what inspired and motivated them before caring took over can be useful. Bereavement can bring relief from traumatic circumstances, and these feelings need a space in which to be acknowledged.

I found the loss of my daughter was transformational. This is difficult to say and may seem counterintuitive, but it is also true. If bereavement is part of your client’s issues, be prepared to work with anything from surviving complex PTSD to beginning a transformational journey.

With many clients, we have focused on resilience. Looking back over their lives, we have identified previous experiences where they have bounced back from adversity or worked through emotional pain and suffering. Maybe this can create an opening for a new phase of life with purpose and possibility.

We all grieve differently

The circumstances and impact of bereavement are as infinitely varied as life itself. In this journey, there is no one-size-fits-all approach or timeline for healing. Instead, there is an acknowledgement of the complexities of grief, validation of individual experiences, and unwavering support for each person’s quest to find solace, meaning, and peace amidst the loss they endure.

As a counsellor, I cannot show clients how to navigate their grief, but I can walk beside them with compassion, honouring their unique journey and process.