It’s the question I’m asked most often by couples who are thinking about counselling and live too far from Bude to come in person. Usually it comes with a worry attached: that something essential gets lost through a screen, and that you’d be paying for a second-best version of the real thing.
The short answer is yes, for most couples it works. The longer answer is more useful, because it tells you whether it would work for the two of you.
What the research says
There isn’t much research on couples counselling by video yet, and most of it is small. The best I’ve found is a 2022 trial in Australia that put couples at random into either in-person or video sessions. Both groups did equally well, and the couples on screen got on with their therapist just as well as those in the room.
It was a small study, and it used a set programme rather than the open, relational way I work, so I don’t make too much of it. But it fits what I see: the screen matters far less than people expect. What helps is the relationship between the three of us, and that comes through a screen fine.
What changes on a screen
I see less of your bodies, so I listen more closely to tone, pace and the small pauses where something nearly gets said. When a conversation heats up, I can’t lean forward in my chair the way I would in the room, so I’m quicker to slow things down out loud. And a bad connection at the wrong moment is a nuisance; we agree beforehand what we’ll do if one of us drops out.
Other things are better online. You’re in your own home, which is where the arguments actually happen, so we’re working closer to the real thing than a consulting room gets. Nobody loses an hour to the drive. And couples who’d never find a free evening for the journey can usually find ninety minutes at the kitchen table.
When online suits couples well
In my experience, online couples counselling works well when:
- you live too far from a couples counsellor you’d actually choose, which in rural Cornwall and much of the UK is most people
- work, shifts or children make getting out together hard
- one of you finds a consulting room formal or intimidating, and feels more able to speak at home
- you’d rather choose a counsellor for their approach than for their postcode
Most couples sit side by side in front of one screen. Now and then partners join from separate devices, and that works too.
When it may not be the right fit
Online isn’t right for everyone, and it’s better to know before you start.
You need somewhere private for ninety minutes where children or housemates won’t overhear. If that isn’t possible at home, it can be hard to say what needs saying.
If there’s any fear of a partner, or one of you doesn’t feel safe saying things in front of the other, couples counselling of any kind isn’t the place to begin, and individual support comes first. That’s true in the room too, but it matters more when the session ends and you’re both still in the same house.
And some couples simply prefer a room to walk into and walk out of: the journey there as a way in, and the journey home as a way out. If that’s you, and you can get to Bude, I see couples in person at Neetside Community Centre. Some couples mix the two.
What happens in an online session
We meet by Zoom at the same time each week, usually for ninety minutes. I never record sessions. The work is the same as in the room. I’m not there to referee or to hand out communication scripts. We slow down what happens between you, often the same argument on a loop, and look at what’s underneath it, so that each of you can hold your own ground and still stay close.
If you’re wondering whether you’ve left it too long, I’ve written about that too: is it too late for couples counselling?
Getting started
I’m John Walter, a relational counsellor accredited with the NCPS. I work with couples online anywhere in the UK, and in person in Bude. Online couples sessions are £120 for ninety minutes, and I have places open now.
The first step is a free phone call, so you can ask anything and get a feel for whether I’m the right person for the two of you. If you’d rather write first, send me a short message. There’s more about how I work with couples on my couples and relationship counselling page.
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