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Tag: creativity

  • Navigating Your Personal Depths

    Embracing Long-Term Therapy for Lasting Change

    First Published in Age of Empathy 10/05/24

    All images created by the author using a variety of editing and AI tools.

    We live in a quick-fix culture, from fast food to having access to instant gratification of our sensory needs. Music, videos, and art are all becoming available at the touch of a button. Instant solutions to every need are prized above putting in the work to experience these things in greater depth.

    One of my greatest pleasures is cooking a Sunday roast for my family. Occasionally, when time is very limited, I may get a takeaway from the local curry house. Both approaches to family mealtimes have their place, but cooking a Sunday roast has so many more layers of pleasure for me and is much more likely to create lasting memories.

    As with the choice between fast or home-cooked food when it comes to mental health, quicker is not always better. Why bother with months of expensive therapy when you can get everything you need in six sessions? Some therapists even offer single-session treatment.

    Looking at it from the perspective of fast vs. home-cooked food, you get a quick hunger fix that requires little effort or engagement with fast food, but the satisfaction is fleeting and often leaves you feeling unsatisfied in the long run. Similarly, short-term therapy might seem efficient, providing a quick fix to psychological issues, but it often only scratches the surface of deeper emotional needs.

    In contrast, long-term therapy is like preparing a home-cooked meal — it takes more time and effort, but the process itself is deeply satisfying and nourishing, often leading to more profound self-awareness and lasting emotional well-being. Just as a home-cooked meal can foster connection and create cherished memories, long-term therapy offers a space to deeply explore and understand one’s life, building emotional resilience that sustains through all life’s challenges.

    Where quick-fix therapy has its place

    Some psychological needs only require a brief intervention, and plenty of approaches are available to meet that need. CBT, EMDR, Hypnotherapy, and others are great for addressing a single identifiable issue.

    This clip from a Psychology Today article sums it up

    Drive-By Therapy

    A Single Session Could Help If You:

    Have a very specific problem, such as a new health diagnosis.

    Wonder if a particular situation and your reaction to it is normal.

    Have dealt successfully with life problems in the past.

    Have faith that your troubles could be addressed by a brief intervention.

    Longer-Term Therapy Is a Better Bet If You:

    Want to understand your patterns of behavior and how they developed.

    Have had repeated difficulties with family and romantic relationships.

    Would like to accomplish more, but consistently shoot yourself in the foot.

    Are suicidal, psychotic, or suffer from a condition requiring medication.

    Like medicalised approaches, quick-fix therapy is about symptom management and does very little to avoid recurrence or deal with causes or deeply embedded emotional issues.

    The deeper journey of long-term therapy

    A wide range of therapeutic approaches could be described as “Depth Therapies” and it is impossible to list them all here. They largely fall under the umbrella of Psychodynamic, Humanistic and Holistic therapies. Behavioural approaches are mostly but not exclusively quick-fix.

    In my Private Practice, I use an integrative approach, which means I have experience working with many modalities. As I work with a client, I bring in what they need. It is usually evident in the first session whether the presenting issues can be dealt with over a few weeks or whether many layers obscure deep underlying problems.

    With agreement, we delve into all areas of an individual’s life history, their belief systems and how they began, their relationship patterns and a timeline of their emotional landscape.

    Through this process, clients begin discovering the root causes of their psychological unease. We lay everything out, unearthing a long-buried overview of their life patterns. This process can facilitate transformational insights and enable the integration of complex emotions.

    Client X (fictional) hadn’t left the house for three months. We worked over the phone for a year with no change in this presenting symptom of agoraphobia. It finally shifted through identifying undiagnosed autism, which gave a clear insight into their life choices, which had led to isolation and a solitary lifestyle. This transformational insight enabled the client to seek specific support and accommodations, eventually leading to re-entering the world of work and a richer social life.

    Entering into a therapeutic relationship

    The key element of most modern long-term therapy is the relationship you build with your therapist, and this will always take some time to develop. It is an essential element in the healing process for you to develop trust and feel safe to explore your innermost concerns without fear of judgment or criticism.

    In long-term therapy, the counsellor slowly helps you build a psychological map of your inner world through the relationship. When you have developed an overview of your life-long patterns and emotional journey, you can work with your therapist to develop bespoke strategies to facilitate a transformation in the way you live your life.

    One client used the metaphor of a spider web to describe how the relationship worked for them.

    “When I arrived I was anxious about everything. I was only aware of a tiny section of the spider web where I sat cowering. If a leaf brushed past the web the whole thing would vibrate and I had no idea what it was causing the vibrations. I shrunk back further into a tiny limiting space. Over time in therapy I developed an overview of my whole life. I could see the whole web and how things interacted. The anxiety just disappeared by becoming aware of the causes.”

    Sustainable Change and Personal Growth

    The changes clients go through in long-term therapy are not predictable or the result of targeting specific issues. A sex addict may begin therapy thinking their addiction is the source of all their problems. Soon, they may become curious about why their obsession has diminished, but all the other issues in their life and relationships persist.

    This realisation could prompt a much deeper dive into their underlying emotional landscape and past traumas. As they peel back the layers of their behaviours and motivations, they may discover that their addiction was merely a symptom of deeper unresolved conflicts. This exploration can lead them to confront painful memories and challenge entrenched beliefs about themselves and others, which have shaped their relationships and self-image for years.

    In the safety of the therapeutic environment, they can begin to reframe their identity, moving away from seeing themselves solely as an addict and towards a more holistic view of themselves as a complex individual with unique strengths and vulnerabilities. This shift often brings about a profound transformation, not just in how they manage their addiction but in their overall approach to life and relationships.

    This is the opportunity long-term therapy gives you. Changes made on a deep level will endure and evolve over time. You have not just managed some anxiety; you have set in process a phase of personal growth that is irreversible. Persistent depression is not just alleviated. You have opened up a doorway into self-awareness where you can make significant life choices more freely.

    Making the choice for personal growth

    If you view your challenge as a specific problem that needs solving, a short-term, targeted approach might be sufficient. However, if you recognize that, despite your best efforts, you are still limiting your own potential, exploring long-term therapy could offer substantial benefits.

    What are you seeking — immediate relief, a profound transformation, or perhaps a blend of both? Do you envision yourself grappling with the same issues five years from now, or can you imagine a future where you are free from the constraints of your past? How do you balance the need for immediate results with the desire for deep, lasting change?

    Remember, the first step on any journey is the most difficult. By taking that first step, your unique pathway will begin to reveal itself, leading you toward not just immediate solutions but sustainable, transformative growth.

    Building Connections in a Disconnected World:

  • Unlocking the Potential of Your Unique Mind

    How One Psychotherapist’s Self-Discovery of ADHD Challenges Conventional Diagnosis and Celebrates Neurodiversity

    All Images created by the author using a variety of drawing, editing and AI tools.

    Neurodiversity has only been a concept since the turn of the century and has been commonly used by professionals since 2010. This suggests that most education or mental health professionals have had to and, to a large degree, are still playing catch-up.

    The only training they will have had will have been firmly rooted in the medical model of diagnosing autism, dyslexia, ADHD and other neurodevelopmental conditions in order to treat, cure or mitigate the symptoms.

    The professions have had to make a massive shift in their thinking to embrace the neurodiversity model. As with any paradigm change, there will be dinosaurs and pioneers.

    Some pioneers may have had their wings clipped by being taught by dinosaurs. Some major educational and mental health institutions are still controlled by dinosaurs, who may well temper the enthusiasm of new recruits flushed with pioneering spirit.

    Before sharing my personal journey, I will outline a research conversation I had with ChatGPT, OpenAI’s language mode, which clarified how and when neurodiversity appeared as an idea. I asked questions regarding the history of the term Neurodiversity.

    Before 2000, the professional training regarding neurodiversity, particularly in fields such as psychology, education, and healthcare, was primarily influenced by a medical model of disability. This perspective framed neurological differences — such as autism, ADHD, dyslexia, and other neurodevelopmental conditions — as disorders or deficits that needed to be treated, cured, or mitigated. The focus was often on identifying symptoms, diagnosing conditions, and implementing interventions aimed at helping individuals to adapt to societal norms or to “overcome” their differences.

    The medical model has existed for around a century and still persists in some sectors despite a huge shift in understanding and research.

    By the 2010s, “neurodiversity” had become a significant and recognized term in discussions about autism, ADHD, dyslexia, and other neurodevelopmental differences, extending into fields such as education, employment, and mental health. It emphasizes the understanding that neurodevelopmental differences should be recognized and respected as a social category, akin to ethnicity, socioeconomic class, sexual orientation, gender, or disability.

    In my work as a psychotherapist, I am constantly aware of the friction between this medical model of dysfunction and the neurodiversity model of celebrating uniqueness.

    On my own self-awareness journey, I have begun to recognise that there are parts of myself and my patterns of behaviour that could easily be interpreted as ADHD; however, these symptoms could also be interpreted as a trauma response, General Anxiety Disorder or a number of other diagnoses.

    Embracing the Maverick: A Journey of Self-Discovery and Acceptance

    I scored high on an online ADHD test.

    I took several online ADHD tests and consistently scored medium to high. It reaffirmed my suspicion that these tests were as reliable as gauging opinions over tea and scones with my mother and her friends.

    While it wasn’t shocking to score high, I don’t feel the need for validation from a supposed professional. The whole process of diagnosis and labelling feels like it belongs to an outdated medical model when it comes to addressing mental health.

    Image created by the author using a variety of editing and AI tools

    Back in 1965, at the age of 11, I was taken to the doctor. While I was considered bright at school, I couldn’t sit still. I was hyperactive and found it challenging to focus during dull lessons. This was two decades before ADHD was recognised in the UK.

    In the eyes of the medical model, my behaviour probably appeared to be some form of anxiety disorder. I don’t recall feeling anxious, but how else could they explain this restless, nervy kid? So, they opted to sedate me, a treatment that, in modern terms, seems completely inappropriate and verging on barbaric.

    What’s even more astonishing, however, is that despite these traits now being viewed through the lens of neurodiversity, 60 years later, there are still mental health practitioners and educators who only possess tools aligned with that outdated medical model, which tends to pathologise people, including those who are autistic or neurodiverse.

    Recognising uniqueness

    The alternative approach to diagnosing, putting into boxes, pathologising, judging and dismissing is to recognise and celebrate uniqueness.

    This has always been the case with humanistic and holistic counselling or psychotherapy. We treat every client as a unique individual. We help to uncover and celebrate the authentic self. Diagnosis has no part in this process.

    Clients often come to us previously diagnosed by professionals aligned with the medical model. It can be useful for the client as it gives them some search terms for internet research, but there is also a danger that they might focus solely on the pathologised parts of themselves.

    It’s like they have been stamped with a barcode for easy internet access, and they slowly morph into a walking, talking version of that barcode.

    Or, a gardener gives you an extensive list of all the weeds in your garden but neglects to mention all the beautiful, thriving plants that are also there. Armed with their list, you get a weedkiller that will destroy all the weeds, and your treatment takes down all the beautiful plants with it.

    How I preserved my uniqueness

    Teachers saw my creative leanings as a bunch of weeds. At options time, they refused to allow me to do Music, Drama, and Art. I was forced to study science and academic subjects. The result was that I gave up trying and left school with a miserable handful of mediocre results.

    Twenty years on, I taught myself jazz piano to a professional standard, became a music technology teacher, worked professionally as a performing storyteller, and began creating my business as a drum circle facilitator. Forty years later, I am earning money by writing about therapy, art, and creativity.

    No matter how I look at it, the whole school system seemed designed to prevent me from fulfilling my full potential. It invalidated my creativity and passion in training me to comply with societal norms.

    I am very grateful that my creative leanings and passion were supported at home and in the community through Drama clubs, Choirs, and youth Club talent competitions. We had a beautiful baby grand piano that I spent much time with, and my need to emulate Jimi Hendrix’s guitar playing was mostly tolerated.

    So, free from the constriction of school, I was able to fly a little freer, but the legacy of that time was that I have always felt that society would frown upon my need to go my own way, create my own path, and ultimately be myself—until now, of course.

    Embracing Neurodiversity: Celebrating Uniqueness and Unlocking Potential

    In my work as a counsellor, I come across children and adults of all ages who are diagnosed, self-diagnosed, and undiagnosed with a whole range of things related to Neurodiversity.

    They are all unique and have a clearly individual understanding of how their minds and bodies work a little differently from what they perceive to be the societal norm. They all also have unique and different perceptions of societal norms.

    People often fixate on discovering what’s wrong with them. But when did we lose sight of what’s right? Imagine if we redirected that energy towards uncovering and nurturing our unique talents instead of striving to fit into an arbitrary ‘normal.’ Such a shift could propel humanity forward in a gigantic evolutionary leap.

    Turning an ocean liner around.

    Shifting paradigms from viewing people as problems in need of fixing to valuing their unique differences is a monumental undertaking. It’s akin to steering an ocean liner in a new direction — a slow, laborious task demanding patience, persistence, and substantial effort.

    When trying to redirect something as vast and entrenched as societal perception, there will be challenges from all sides. In Mental Health and education, challenges persist, and outdated models have been engraved into the DNA of our mental health and educational institutions.

    Where can we begin?

    As with any massive process of change, we have to start with ourselves. Are you celebrating your own uniqueness or constantly trying to fit in? Once you appreciate what it looks like for yourself, you can begin to recognise environments where it is happening for others.

    Is your local school an environment that nurtures creativity, individuality and diverse ways of thinking? Does it foster growth and success for all individuals or just those that fit in?

    Does your workplace plod along a well-worn path of expectations, or is it open to flexible working patterns and accepting diverse approaches?

    Our uniqueness is a source of strength

    I hope I have been clear that I am not claiming to have ADHD or not to have it. I really am not bothered about the boxes the medical profession tries to force us into. I am not an advocate for getting or not getting a diagnosis that is entirely up to the individual.

    We shouldn’t need a certificate to show that we should be accepted for our strengths and diversity. I can see a future where neurodiversity is fully embraced and individuals are empowered to thrive authentically, contributing their unique talents to a more inclusive and understanding society, but I can’t predict a timeline for that.

    I caught a glimpse of this paradigm shift 35 years ago while working at The Cotswold Community, a therapeutic children’s home for boys. There, a child-centred approach permeated every aspect of care and education. Tailored programs were created for each individual, both in their daily care routines and academic curriculum.

    I witnessed children flourishing in this carefully managed environment. The work was held fast by a highly skilled therapeutic team working on psychodynamic principles headed up by Barbara Dockar Drysdale. Any sniff of behavioural principles, punishment or reward was swiftly banished under her watchful eye.

    Sadly I had to leave for family reasons and I have been searching in vain for a similar environment in the intervening time. I have seen behavioural approaches take hold in all sectors of education and mental health, often for economic reasons, and the results have been catastrophic for many.

    My hope is that the neurodiversity movement is at the forefront of a period of profound change where the medical, evidence-based approach to mental health is eclipsed by humanistic, experience-based models where individuals are empowered to thrive authentically, contributing their unique talents to a more inclusive and understanding society.

    Each step towards embracing neurodiversity brings us closer to realizing the full potential of every unique mind.

  • Embracing Light in the Shadow of Loss

    One father’s reflection on finding resilience, purpose, and connection after tragedy

    An abstract image of a blonde haired young woman staring into a black hole and the light surrounding it.
    Image created by the author

    Trigger warning — This article mentions suicide, although it focuses on my reaction and how my life has changed since the event.

    My daughter Holly took her own life six years ago. What felt like staring into or being consumed by a black hole has become quite different.

    A black hole is only known to exist because of the presence of light around it. Or, as NASA put it:

    A black hole is a place in space where gravity pulls so much that even light can not get out. The gravity is so strong because matter has been squeezed into a tiny space. This can happen when a star is dying. Because no light can get out, people can’t see black holes.

    The moment my wife put down the phone, and I heard the words Holly and suicide in the same sentence, I felt that pull of gravity sucking all the light out of my world. Six years after the event, I can still feel that pull of gravity towards dark despair, but I can take a step back and notice how the black hole allowed me to appreciate the light around me more than I ever have before.

    My Birthday Story

    It was a joyous day. We awoke in our campervan in South Cornwall in brilliant sunshine and below-zero temperatures. After a glorious walk along the coast, we settle into a pub next to a log fire. What was billed as the best Sunday lunch in Cornwall is just that. We review the details of previous birthday and anniversary meals as always.

    Top of the list is always the one Holly instigated at Ronnie Scotts on my 60th. We can now reminisce and think fondly of this and other events where Holly’s big personality features strongly. Arriving home midafternoon, my whole mood seems to change.

    I am cold and exhausted. I warm up in the shower and then crawl under the duvet with a hot water bottle. Experiencing the light for a few hours has drawn my attention to the black hole that is constantly there. No one else can see it, and I know by now that it will not consume me or suck all the light out of my world. I am keenly aware of the light because of the black hole. If the black hole were not there, I would not be aware of the glorious light surrounding it.

    Becoming self-aware became a necessity.

    I have been on a self-awareness journey for 40 years from when I first went into therapy as a requirement for my job. It is never complete. It has stalled and faltered but went into overdrive the moment Holly left us.

    Now, it seems like the only way I can hold myself together, and at the same time, it has become my passion and purpose. I was drowning in the strong currents of the ocean. Holly’s death has become the raft I cling to for riding the currents safely and steering my way into the future and the unknown.

    A bright colourful scene of someone trying to navigate in stormy seas
    Image created by the author

    On her birthday

    This is when we come together as an extended family—focused on a meal together, visiting the burial ground and standing high in the wind watching the river far below.

    Our two children grew up in a little extended family group with an auntie and two cousins living a few doors away. Some of my strongest memories are of all seven of us around a meal table. Whether it was Sunday Lunch or a celebration, it was a precious time for me.

    With children leaving home and leading their own lives, these gatherings became reduced to maybe once a year, with all seven of us plus occasional partners. In addition, we would occasionally get our two girls to join us for an anniversary or birthday.

    Holly was always a strong force in uniting us for a celebration, and she still is. She draws us in to celebrate her birthday, and I, for one, revel in this excuse for this celebration of her glorious life.

    Her death has not diminished my life

    I am grateful to Holly for coming into this world and spending 28 years with us. Her birth and her death were both traumatic but a necessary part of her existence.

    Illustration created by the author

    The wound is the place where light enters you — Rumi

    The first morning after she died, I felt the light entering but found it difficult to let it in. I stepped out of her flat into brilliant sunshine. I asked myself, “How can I feel joy in the sunshine after what happened?”

    This was my first lesson in holding joy and sadness in the palm of one hand. Of course, the nature of her death will permanently devastate me. I will always have questions and doubts about my actions as a father. However, I cannot allow her leaving us to overshadow the amazing experience of living with her for 28 years.

    Holly’s memory remains a guiding beacon, like the flash from a lighthouse reflecting on the surface of the ocean, simultaneously guiding the way and warning of danger.

    When I sit with clients in my counselling room I can be a guide because I have experienced what it is like to crash upon the rocks or become overwhelmed by the waves. I have also experienced what it is like to take the helm of my craft and to purposefully and intentionally steer it into safer waters.

    I am filled with gratitude to Holly for sharing her brief life with us, to family and friends for their support in navigating the treacherous waters of grief and to everyone in the Counselling Community who has swum alongside me whispering or shouting encouragement.

    Also in the early years connecting up with groups such as The Compassionate Friends and Survivors Of Bereavement by Suicide was vital. I am also grateful to the charities Clarity and Cruse for giving me free or low cost counselling. (Links Below)

    Thanks for reading to the end. Do get in touch if you are affected in any way by my writing and artwork. The links below my website are organisations that helped me in the early stages of grief.

    johnwaltercounsellor.com

    The Compassionate Friends

    www.tcf.org.uk

    Home | Clarity Counselling Services

    www.claritynorthdevon.org.uk

    The Cruse site was down while I wrote this so I accessed it through Counselling Directory

    Cruse Bereavement Support

    www.counselling-directory.org.uk

    Samaritans – Here to listen

    www.samaritans.org

    REHAB4Addiction

    If addiction is an issue for you after bereavement.

    https://www.rehab4addiction.co.uk,

    The SOBS UK site also appeared to be down.

    https://uksobs.org/about/who-we-are

  • Harmonising Ancient Mysteries and Cutting-Edge Science:

    Paving the Way for a Sustainable Global Future

    The author created the image using digital and AI tools.

    We live in unprecedented times. We exist in a dimension with unlimited access to ancient mysteries and wisdom alongside the emergence of extraordinary scientific tools. Studying both can give us a universal overview from which there is the possibility of creating a sustainable future for humanity and our planet.

    The 21st Century is a unique turning point in history in terms of technological advancement, communication and interaction on a global scale, environmental awareness and social and political change.

    The 20th Century saw remarkable changes, which set the scene for the next 100 years as being the time humanity either harnesses its extraordinary power or is destroyed by it in the longer term.

    How can we open our minds to embrace these massive global and universal perspectives without seeing it as a conflict between opposing forces?

    Two coexisting Realms

    I work in the Creative arts and the world of Psychotherapy. Ancient wisdom and scientific discovery exist as references in all of my work, regardless of its nature.

    The title image represents this in several ways. Creativity is the process of absorbing ancient wisdom and building on that to produce an original expression of your own emotional and spiritual world.

    The woman meditates in an ancient temple, and superimposed on the image is a technical, scientific illustration of energy within the body and how it affects the immediate environment.

    I created the image by interacting with AI Art Generators. These tools use technology to combine wisdom from the past with cutting-edge tools of the present.

    The AI Art controversy

    Just as historical Luddites opposed the Industrial Revolution, the Musicians Union sought to ban synthesisers, educationalists resisted online learning, and healthcare professionals expressed reluctance towards adopting AI-assisted diagnostic tools. Similarly, some artists voice concerns about AI-generated art. These instances highlight an enduring pattern — a natural resistance to change that persists as part of the human condition.

    The controversy around AI art arises from the fact that it began by analysing a massive dataset of images. Art, photography and everything in between that has been uploaded to the internet. Now I can enter some text and it creates an image to reflect that text.

    an image of peace and harmony in colour light and texture

    Image created by the author in Midjourney — Prompt: an image of peace and harmony in colour, light and texture

    Some artists and photographers see it as theft of their work. Illustrators and graphic artists see their skilled jobs disappearing overnight.

    I asked Chat GPT to expand on the connection between ancient wisdom and cutting-edge science in AI Art:

    AI art generators represent a unique intersection of ancient wisdom, scientific progress, and technological advances. These tools leverage cutting-edge technologies, particularly artificial intelligence and machine learning, to analyze and understand patterns, styles, and themes from various sources, including ancient art and contemporary works. The combination of these technological capabilities allows AI to generate original artworks that may reflect a fusion of historical influences and modern aesthetics.

    In the context of combining ancient wisdom, AI art generators can be programmed to learn from and emulate artistic styles from different time periods, incorporating elements of cultural and historical significance. This fusion of ancient wisdom with modern technology enables the creation of art that bridges the gap between tradition and innovation.

    Moreover, AI art generators can offer a fresh perspective on creativity by introducing new possibilities and combinations that might not be immediately apparent to human artists. The process involves the machine learning algorithm identifying and adapting artistic features, leading to the production of novel and sometimes unexpected artistic expressions.

    In summary, AI art generators represent a fascinating synergy between ancient wisdom, scientific understanding, and technological progress, offering a glimpse into the potential for collaborative creation between human and machine intelligence.¹

    Where scientific language will never be sufficient.

    I would defy any scientist to pin down or quantify the qualities that define the difference between a world-class Jazz musician and a professional musician who plays jazz. They get more work, but that’s not what I mean. I find more clarity when exploring ancient wisdom related to this.

    Recently, I was at a local Jazz quartet gig. I went there because a couple of the musicians were known to me for a long time, and I respected their abilities. I expected a great night but had a fantastic, almost transcendental experience.

    What stood out for me was that throughout the evening, the bass player and the drummer were completely connected with each other musically and energetically. The other two musicians were well-supported by them and played at a technically similar level, but I didn’t feel their connectedness in the visceral way I did with the bass and drums.

    At first, I thought it was just me because I am a musician and can sense these things. However, this was the first thing my wife mentioned as we departed. Later, I checked in with three other friends who had been there, and this feeling of connectedness between the two was the first thing that was mentioned.

    It was not measurable in scientific or musical terms, but members of the audience became aware of it through their experience in the moment with the musicians. In scientific terms, my observations were not evidence-based. Does that make them invalid?

    The Eastern philosophies of mindfulness and the interconnectedness of everything are at work here. We witnessed musicians being connected and present in the moment, being creative and spontaneous in responding to that moment. Unmeasurable and impossible to describe in anything other than subjective, ineffable terms.

    I am a writer, artist, musician and psychotherapist. When I can be present in the moment and create a connection with my audience/client, that is when the magic happens. When I am in the flow, following my instincts and intuition and allowing myself to experience freedom and spontaneity, I do my best work.

    This quality of connection is what really makes a difference, not my adherence to theoretical evidence-based models in whatever world I am functioning in.

    The Marvels of Modern Science

    If the 20th Century saw the rise of the machine, the 21st Century is already seeing the rise of Artificial Intelligence as a significant bringer of change. As a writer, 15 years ago, I had to pay an editor to check my work before publishing. Now, my entire writing process has changed.

    As I type, I have an AI spelling and grammar check going on in the background.

    A pic of the text before I changed it

    That red line under the text informed me a comma might be appropriate. Any misspelt words are corrected in the same way.

    another mistake pic

    If I phrase a sentence clumsily, then AI makes suggestions as to how I might improve the readability of the sentence in question.

    a clumsy sentence pic

    AI assisted in every step of writing this article. I roughed out a headline and ran it through a headline analyser to see if I could improve it to attract more attention. I wrote the first two paragraphs and was quite excited at getting stuck into writing the whole thing, but a brick wall to my progress immediately came up.

    I could be better when it comes to structuring articles. I like to write in a stream of consciousness, which can become very messy towards the end of the process. Some articles are so chaotic they never make it to publishing.

    AI-generated image created by the author with the prompt: a writer facing a brick wall separating him in the present from his finished masterpiece in the future

    Now, when I find myself facing that brick wall, I copy and paste what I have written into ChatGpt and ask it to map out a possible structure for my article based on those words and some specifics about my writing style.

    I rarely stick rigidly to the suggested structure, but it gets me started. If I were better educated as a writer, I would have these possible structures imprinted on my neural pathways. But I’m not, and I haven’t.

    There is one further step. When I finish writing this article, I may run parts of it through ChatGpt again and ask for feedback. I choose to follow suggestions or not.

    Note: I have just asked for that feedback, created a second draft based on it and you are now reading the third draft. All the constructive feedback was about improving the structure of the piece.

    Scientific progress in the form of AI is enabling me to enjoy and earn some money from being a writer. Several hundred people read my work every day; my ideas and creative process ultimately keep people reading. Without AI I may well have given up long ago. It eases the process, speeds things up, and allows me to tap into thousands of years of progress and development in literature without having to attend an expensive university course for four years.

    Image created by the author using AI tools

    Where Ancient Wisdom and Science meet.

    I first worked as a therapeutic counsellor in 1985. My training lapsed, and I retrained again in 2020

    In my first job in a Psychoanalytic environment, I was aware of the tension between us and those working in the behavioural sciences. I worked with severely disturbed boys and was able to observe the differences between our way of working and a nearby establishment working with a similar cohort in a completely different way.

    Both claimed to be working in line with scientific research. Our boys lived in a nurturing environment where everything was designed to meet their individual needs and allow them to follow their interests and develop insight into their difficulties. The other boys were locked up under a reward and punishment system and trained to manage their problematic behaviours.

    Both claimed success and cited evidence. Alongside this, I was following my interests in Humanistic Psychotherapy, which worked for me.

    In the intervening years, I have explored mindfulness, meditation, and a whole raft of experiential approaches to psychology emerging more from mystical than scientific sources. Many, like Psychosynthesis, Gestalt and Person-centred therapy, are now firmly embedded in Integrative and holistic approaches to psychotherapy.

    In some ways, the many branches of psychology have come together, but there is still evidence of conflict. This is most clearly seen in how the NHS uses the phrase “Evidence-based” to justify using cheaper quick-fix therapies rather than deeper-reaching long-term therapies.

    “Evidence-based” has become the scientific world’s clarion call to draw everyone to their way of thinking. This seems to forget that the scientific method has only been around for 300 – 400 years, whilst mindfulness and meditation practices have been passed on globally for between 2500 and 3000 years. Is that not evidence enough of their efficacy? Does collecting ticks on a reductionist questionnaire trump those thousands of years of lived experience?

    The world of psychotherapy is actively involved in finding a point of balance where both scientific and ancient wisdom approaches can coexist.

    Relating to Climate change.

    The climate change debate is where ancient wisdom and science finally come together. Science and industry have ploughed forward, ignoring ancient knowledge about the environment and the connectedness of all things. Now the tide has turned, and the majority of the science establishment has done their tests, thrown up their hands and said
    “Oh **** They were right all along.”

    The problem now is changing the whole paradigm within which we all live. It was 150 years ago that Darwin coined the phrase “survival of the fittest,” most of humanity took it to mean that they had to fight for their individual survival and could justify any means towards that end. This is a complete misunderstanding of Darwin’s meaning of the phrase. The concept of natural selection is about reproductive effectiveness, not about the survival of the individual. It is about the survival of the family, community or species.

    We are faced with a dilemma where we have to sacrifice our personal comfort or habits for humanity itself to survive. Technology has driven us to this precipice, and ironically, technology is the only thing powerful enough to apply the brakes and reverse us back to a sustainable future. The voices of ancient wisdom can guide us to this place of balance where the future of humanity is in tune with the future of the planet and everything that shares it with us.

    Harmonising Knowledge and Wisdom

    In music, this is all about finding a point of connection for disparate musical elements. This is something you can feel as a musician. You feel the connection, tension, harmony, and separation in every moment, and then you feel the moving on to a different emotional space. This is carried along by the knowledge of the music and your instrument, its strengths and its limitations.

    In my counselling room, the same thing occurs. There is a therapeutic relationship where the same process of feeling my way, being spontaneous, and being able to hold tension and anxiety is happening. I am effective as a counsellor because I am non-judgemental and present in the moment with the client, but also because I have had 40 years of questioning and exploring my own inner world in the context of modern psychological theories.

    In jazz I have 50 years of experience feeling and sensing those harmonies and rhythmic journeys and it all rides on the back of the musicians that have gone before me, studied and lived in the music and passed that on through their playing.

    My hope for humanity is that there are enough people connected emotionally to the heartbeat of the planet who can become guides for those amazing scientists and technologists who forge pathways of understanding across the globe and generations. Can you find this balance within yourself? Do you have the strength to show up and witness this balance for others?

    Our only hope for a sustainable global future is in achieving this balance. Hearing the voices of our ancestors strengthens our connection with ourselves, each other and all living things. Using advanced AI tools to harness that wisdom and combine it with science to find a way forward for humanity that harmonises us with the physical and natural world. We must change the paradigm of life from “survival of the fittest” to something more appropriate, like “sustainability through connection.”

    If you can think of a better phrase for a new paradigm, pop it in the comments below.

    I finish with the words of the great jazz pianist, Herbie Hancock.

    We all have natural human tendency to take the safe route — to do the thing we know will work — rather than taking a chance. But that’s the antithesis of jazz, which is all about being in the present. Jazz is about being in the moment, at every moment. It’s about trusting yourself to respond on the fly. If you can allow yourself to do that, you never stop exploring, you never stop learning, in music or in life.²

    Thanks for reading to the end. Have you an example of a situation where you experience that balance between theory and intuition or Knowledge and wisdom? Use the comments box to ask any questions or share observations. Often, responses can inspire a whole new article.

    Please show your appreciation by clapping, responding, following and subscribing. Thanks.

    References:
    1.     OpenAI. (2024). ChatGPT [Large language model]. https://chat.openai.com

    2. Possibilities (2014) by Hancock, with Lisa Dickey, p. 2

    This story was first published on Generative AI. Connect with us on LinkedIn and follow Zeniteq to stay in the loop with the latest AI stories. Let’s shape the future of AI together!

  • Jack Goes to The Beach

    A short picture story for children.

    Jack is walking on the beach. He has blonde sticky-up hair and is carrying a backpack. He is wearing shorts
    All the images are created by the author using a variety of craft skills, AI and processing tools.

    This story emerged from my own personal therapy. Jack is partly the child I was and partly the child I can be now having freed myself of past shackles. Therapy can set you free in any number of ways.

  • Two Ways of Looking at The Art of Counselling

    Holistic on the left. Psychoneuroimmunoendocrinology on the right

    The picture above shows how AI art interprets two very different words. They both mean the same thing. The long psycho word is just the medical term for how all the various human systems work together, as explained here.

    Psychoneuroimmunoendocrinology, which was first described in 1936, is the study of the interactions between the psyche, neural and endocrine functions and immune responses.

    Whereas Holistic therapy means something like this

    ‘Holistic’ originates from the Greek root ‘holos’, which translates as ‘whole’. Therefore, ‘holistic therapy’ is an umbrella term for any healthcare therapies and practices that treat the entire body and the whole person, rather than curing ailments in isolation as modern medicine does.

    The first perspective comes from the medical world, whilst the second originates from the world of Humanistic Therapy.

    Humanistic therapy is a mental health approach that emphasizes the importance of being your true self in order to lead the most fulfilling life. It’s based on the principle that everyone has their own unique way of looking at the world. This view can impact your choices and actions.

    The Art of Counselling as of 2022

    As a recently trained counsellor but someone very experienced in the world of mental health, I have studied the science of Counselling in depth. And the conclusion I have come to after 35 years is that it is not a science. It is an art.

    Making it science is the medical and academic world’s way of corralling and branding it, like gathering and taming wild horses ready for market. Once corralled, the horses are weighed and tested and compared with each other. In the process, however, you have restricted their freedom and taken away their autonomy. The horses that have survived unaided on the plains for 55 million years are now domesticated and dependent on humans for survival.

    These images for psychology paint a grim picture.

    Image created by the author on Midjourney

    Creative Counselling can give you back your freedom.

    Art is ever-changing. Techniques and materials come and go and fall in and out of fashion. With the coming of AI art, I can summon up the pictures in this article with a few words as a prompt. I do not have to restrict myself to one particular school of art or material. I can be creative in the moment and follow any threads that interest me.

    The same is true of Counselling. I clarify to my clients that I do not restrict myself to any particular branch of psychotherapy. My focus is firmly on providing each client with exactly what they need. If I counsel you, then your inner world is the focus of my attention. You can take it in any direction you wish. I will follow along, noticing patterns and nuance, cheering for your success and listening and encouraging you while you untangle your confused thoughts and feelings.

    By painting a picture with your words to your counsellor, you may or may not understand yourself better rationally, but you cannot take away the fact that you have painted the picture. You have chosen the materials, the tools and the pallet. You have allowed yourself to be creative and maybe surprised yourself with some of the images that have arisen.

    Image created by the author in Midjourney

    The creative process makes a difference.

    Many clients arrive on my doorstep like those corralled horses I described above. They have learnt to survive in captivity, which is all they know. They seem unaware that the gate is wide open and freedom awaits. If they are aware of the open gate, they are afraid to step away from the safety of the corral. The regular meals, rules and routines have embedded themselves as an illusion of safety.

    For some, their childhood was not safe physically or emotionally, but even so, they cling to it like a punctured liferaft, afraid of stepping out into the unknown.

    There is no doubt that the gate is open and all they have to do is step through. The creative process is all about exploring the unknown. In the picture on the right below, my conscious mind was aiming for three horses in a corral. By some magical, mystical process between me and the AI server, a human face appeared in place of one of the horses. The image expressed what I wanted to say so much better than the one I had intended to create. I had allowed chance and randomness to lead me into the unknown, and the result was far more potent than I had planned.

    Image created by the author on Midjourney

    Identifying Counsellors who work creatively

    I think all I can suggest here is to avoid narrow specialisms. I will not name specific therapies to avoid, but you are more likely to find a creative therapist if they call themselves Integrative, Pluralistic or Eclectic. I don’t use any of those labels for myself. I prefer to call myself a Counsellor and leave it at that.

    If you ask for a description of my way of working, I will tell you I follow your lead and work with any approach I feel you need. I could list all the therapeutic approaches I know well, but often, that can be confusing. There are broad misconceptions about many of the therapies that hold specific labels.

    Maybe I should show you the two pictures below and say I will help you look beyond the window that marks the confines of your present world. I will help you imagine the freedom and colour of that alternative future, to get used to its smell and weight. When you eventually leave your present constraints behind, it will be like walking into something new with a trusted friend. You will realise that your trusted friend has always been there. You will realise that all I have done is help you to find something you already had.

    Image created by Author on Midjourney.

    Thank you for reading to the end. Please subscribe if you want to read more like this.

    Go to my website if you are interested in Counselling over the phone, via video or face to face.

    Find my Facebook page @jwcounsellor

    My Medium page

  • The Fear of Freedom

    How to recognise it and choose to move on.

    First published in Illumination on Medium John Walter 📣Jul 21 · 7 min read

    Image for post
    Image by Jessica Araujo from Pixabay

    Freedom is our greatest desire and our biggest fear. I now realise I have struggled with this paradox for most of my life. Now is the time to learn how to recognise it, how to identify it in whatever guise it presents itself. When we are aware of the fear stalking us, we can choose to take a different path.

    “Modern man still is anxious and tempted to surrender his freedom to dictators of all kinds, or to lose it by transforming himself into a small cog in the machine, well fed, and well clothed, yet not a free man but an automaton.”
    ― Erich Fromm, Escape from Freedom

    I was a struggling jazz musician. I sat at a beautiful Steinway Grand playing a duo concert with a brilliant saxophonist. Just the two of us playing my compositions and improvising together effortlessly as we had for the last few years. One thousand people seemed to be giving us rapt attention, and their warm applause qualified this.

    All thoughts of what, or how to play disappeared, my mind became an observer as my body took over, driven by spirit and connection. The saxophonist seemed similarly possessed — his hands, mouth, breath and instrument, suggesting and responding in equal measure. I imagined a thousand threads connecting us both to the audience. I felt their energy prompting us, encouraging us in our flights of freedom.

    Afterwards, I floated over to the green room, luxuriating in the joy of this peak experience. We shared the view that it had felt like the audience was playing us. Like it had been a mystical encounter.

    My wife, with baby in arms, greeted us with herb teas and a little adoration. The saxophonist left us to find a more exciting after-party.

    That was 35 years ago, and it was the last professional jazz gig I ever played.

    What happened? Ten years of grafting and learning, paying my dues in function bands two nights a week, building up a reputation and playing the jazz clubs and night clubs in the Bristol area. Here was the absolute dream gig executed beautifully to excellent reviews. What went wrong?

    Recognising turning points. Did you choose freedom or safety?

    Looking at it now, I see that I was afraid of the freedom of being a jazz musician. Sure it is a tough life, but it can be sustainable. My saxophonist friend went on to become a well respected international player and still tours and teaches on a global circuit.

    It was fear. I transformed myself into a small cog in the machine because it felt safer. I became a teacher with a steady income and regular hours. I milked goats and flew kites with my daughter.

    I don’t regret that decision. But I am now curious as to the unconscious drivers behind it.

    I have had a wonderful life. Often I have felt I am living the life I love. I have run my own business and sustained a beautiful marriage throughout. I have only had short periods of feeling like a cog in a machine.

    Image for post
    Image by Author

    But the decision to walk away from jazz haunts me. I am curious. I still play at a local level, and every performance is a delight. There is no diminishment in my love of the art form. I compose many tunes, but there is little outlet for the doodlings of a local piano player.

    Jazz has always been associated with freedom and spontaneity.

    As Herbie Hancock says:

    One of the most important functions of jazz has been to encourage a hope for freedom, for people living in situations of intolerance or struggle.

    So I chose to play one of the most challenging instruments, in a genre that is all about expressing freedom from limitation. I became extremely good at it, and then I gave it up!

    I yearned freedom. I studied freedom, but ultimately I was afraid of freedom.

    What was the root of that fear?

    I remember an earlier gig in my mid-twenties, where a beautiful young woman approached me in the bar afterwards. She asked to hold my hands. She stroked them. She told me how my music had transported her into a beautiful imaginary world, and she wanted to feel the hands that could do that.

    I could not take it in. I was acutely embarrassed. I tried to make light of it. I wondered what drugs she had been taking. I thought she was hitting on me, wanting something from me other than my presence at that moment. I could not accept that I had created something beautiful for another person and they valued and appreciated that. She was acknowledging me for sharing myself.

    “Art should teach spirituality by showing a person a portion of himself that he would not discover otherwise.” (Bill Evans)

    I wonder if that was the root of my fear. My art had given me a glimpse of myself that was too bright and too beautiful for me to bear. I had become used to a life where my creativity was a very personal thing shared with a small group of friends that I trusted.

    Maybe the young woman holding my hands had seen a glimpse of my soul. Experienced something about me of which I was completely unaware. Thirty-five years ago, I was not ready to take that in. I found all manner of ways of justifying a decision to step back into the shadows.

    As Marianne Williamson says in her much-quoted text:

    It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

    We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
    talented and fabulous?

    I justified leaving it all behind as a sensible decision. Making my wife and baby my priority. Being a provider for my family

    “transforming himself into a small cog in the machine, well fed, and well clothed, yet not a free man”

    Making a choice to step past that fear.

    It is never too late. Scanning my life now for those turning points, I have identified many.

    On some occasions, I have embraced the fear and taken a plunge into the risky arena of freedom. Inevitably another opportunity has soon arisen where I have taken the safer option, stepped back behind the curtain and settled for a herb tea rather than a line of coke.

    It is not that I regret any of those decisions. My life has woven a beautiful web glistening with many jewels and witnessing much sadness and pain.

    It is now that I choose freedom. I can identify the patterns, and I can anticipate the turning point. When I make a decision, I can notice whether it comes from a place of freedom or is more about me bolting for safety.

    The questions to ask yourself.

    1. Is this, or could this be a turning point in my life?
    2. Am I drifting into safety when I could choose freedom?
    3. Could I reinterpret my anxiety about a particular choice, as excitement?
    4. Could the comfortable, natural choice just be a way of avoiding the anxiety/excitement?

    How to make the choice.

    I am not suggesting you should always choose the risky route. The road that fills you with anxiety could easily be a dead-end, or it could take you off the edge of the cliff. What I am saying is make an informed decision.

    Notice how your physical body is responding to the choices. Find a way, through mindfulness or meditation, to listen to the yearning of your soul. Notice if your conscious mind is constantly repeating itself.

    My conscious mind had a regular chorus to keep me in my safe place.

    “Who do you think you are?”

    “You are too big for your boots — too clever for your own good.”

    “You will never make anything of yourself.”

    “Your head is in the clouds.”

    “You are wasting your life away.”

    (If you have any others of your own I would love to hear them.)

    I don’t blame the adults in my life for feeding me these snippets of constriction. I take full responsibility for allowing my mind to take them in and then for using them to make a cosy, safe nest of resistance around myself.

    They are not the truth. The chatter of the mind rarely is. These are little life rafts I created for myself in my youth. I was drowning in my emotions, and I clung to anything that came along.

    Image for post
    Image by Luiz Antonio Toni from Pixabay

    Don’t be like me and mistake these liferafts for firm ground. As a child, you needed them to survive the flood of emotions and deliver you to the mainland of adulthood. Most of us forget to leave them at the shore. We drag them around with us for years convinced they are part of us, an aspect of our identity.

    Now move on.

    Once you have made a choice, you still have the opportunity to reflect on that and make other choices.

    Was it a compelling choice? Are you feeling excited now you have made that choice?

    A straightforward test question to ask yourself is:

    “Am I moving on?”

    Suppose you are continually going over the reasons for your decision. You are mulling over the choice you made and justifying it all to yourself and others. Then the answer is no. You have just added another brick to the walls of your prison.

    You will know when you have conquered the fear of freedom. You will not be locked in the past. You will be moving on freely into the world, following your heart and feeling excited for the present and the future.

    1. Recognise the opportunity for freedom.
    2. Make a compelling choice.
    3. Move on

    ILLUMINATION

  • Cycling Alongside Grief

    My inner child has joined the party.

    John Walter 📣Jun 3 · 5 min read first published on Medium by Invisible Illness.

    The author took the image.

    Grief is not singular. In 2 years grieving my daughter, I have begun to realise how much grief I have accumulated in my body and soul. The trauma of Holly’s suicide has triggered all the other pain and loss I have been holding for many years.

    Regular counselling has been a vital resource to get me through the last two years, but I soon realised that although my grief around Holly was close to the surface, there were many other issues that very often took over our sessions. My relationship with my father soon came to the fore, prompting an exploration of my gender identity and sexuality.

    My inner child has been surfacing in the last couple of weeks. He was calling out to me from 54 years ago when I was a tall 11-year-old who loved being outside, cycling, swimming in the sea or just mucking around on river banks with other kids.

    From the Author’s archive. John Walter — back row centre.

    At this age, I was the tallest in the class, the fastest runner and ranked amongst the first three in most tests. But 1965 is the year all sorts of things changed.

    Childhood wounds began to accumulate. The owner of a local sweetshop caught my best friend and me stealing a Mars bar each from her shop. The local policeman arrived at our door, and my parents banned me from seeing my friend ever again.

    My parents decided to enter me for a scholarship exam to a prestigious boarding school which involved a weekly visit to a local maths teacher for booster lessons. Perhaps due to the pressure to succeed in this exam, I became very anxious. I was conflicted, between the desire to please my parents and pass the exam, and a fear of being shipped off to boarding school. The anxiety caused crippling stomachaches, and my doctor prescribed phenobarbitone which is a powerful barbiturate. Luckily I managed to do well in the exam but not well enough to secure a place.

    A toddler who I used to look out for and who was a family friend, was murdered. Irrationally I have blamed myself for this.

    The list could continue. What I recognise is that the age of 11 was a turning point. I lost interest in education. I adapted in various ways so as not to feel the wounds.

    I created survival strategies that served me well for a time, but now I need to give some space to my inner child. The surviving child has hit a crossroads; the adult I have developed into is failing to cope.

    Connecting with my inner child.

    With lockdown in place, I have had the freedom to connect with my inner child, the 11-year-old boy, happy in his idyllic childhood world.

    I have found myself back in my hometown. Everything about the town feels like I have gone back in time to the ’60s. This is helping me make the connections. I have very few responsibilities and can focus on whatever creative work or activities I feel drawn to.

    The only bakery in the town which is remaining open is the same one I walked to as a child to collect a still-warm loaf in a brown paper bag. In 60 years it has changed very little. The chain bakers and cornish pasty shops have all closed for the duration of lockdown, but this tiny shop continues. Even in normal times, a maximum of 3 customers at a time could enter.

    Image taken by the author.

    As I stood to wait for my loaf of bread, the door to the garden opened and a young man brought in a tray of steaming loaves from the bakery behind the shop. As a child, I knew the times that the fresh bread would be appearing and would offer to make the daily trip for my mother. As I returned from my errand I could never resist picking off some of the warm fresh crust and eating it. My mother did not approve but it was a small sacrifice to get the errand done.

    I am also using the local grocer rather than supermarkets. The family business stretches right back to before I was born. The pace of life in the town is sleepy and slow as it usually was at off-season times.

    Part of my grief has been my grief for my inner child. He is creative and imaginative and cares nothing for practicalities and doing the sensible thing. He knows what he needs and finds ways of fulfilling those needs.

    The cycle rides.

    I had my bicycle repaired and have started daily cycle rides along the cliffs and through the narrow lanes and cycle paths of North Cornwall. It is my inner child that is leading and directing these rides.

    The first morning I awoke with grief sitting on my chest like a weighted blanket. Young John slipped out from under the duvet, and I found myself standing in the kitchen at 5.30 AM looking out at the glorious day. Young John packed a bag with a swimming suit, towel, a bottle of water, a cheese sandwich and an orange.

    With no plan, I cycled down the driveway in shorts, T-shirt and sandals. Young John decided to turn left. The ride continued in this way. At each junction, I either turned left or right, but it was all spontaneous with no thought of the destination or the return route.

    There was no pushing. On some of the steepest hills, I got off and walked, or I rested in a gateway and took in the view. At one point, I went into a field, took off all my clothes and lay in the sun reading my book. Along the way, I rested and ate my lunch. In the heat of the day, I found a deserted beach and swam in the sea.

    I arrived home refreshed. Able to get on with creative projects for the rest of the day.

    I now have a similar cycle ride every morning, conscious that this is when my inner child can come out to play. My thoughts on these rides bounce around all the losses and trauma of the last 54 years. I am carefree and free of all responsibilities. I am cycling alongside grief, and I am allowing my inner child to take the lead.

    We don’t talk enough about mental health.

  • Swimming Alongside Grief

    How I understood it was not a battle to be won.

    John Walter 📣May 29 · 7 min read First published in Invisible Illness on Medium.

    Image by the author.

    The only footprints are mine, but grief is with me as I dive into the waves. Together we delight in the heat of the sunshine and the cool of the water. Grief is there not as an unwelcome visitor but as an invited companion. It has taken me two years and several weeks of forced isolation to reach out and hold her hand.

    In the last few days, I have involved myself in all sorts of creative endeavours that I have neglected for years. I have begun writing music just for the love of it. I remember the flow of that process from over 30 years ago. I have been making storytelling videos, harking back to a career as a performing storyteller last practised professionally 20 years ago.

    Now I must write. Not to achieve anything, just because I must write.

    Holly by a friend

    Holly took her own life almost two years ago. At 28 she had just completed a Masters Degree in Behavioural Psychology and was working in her dream job supervising the tutors of autistic children. She had married her childhood sweetheart, sang in a choir and had many friends she could call on.

    It was a complete shock.

    My grief process has mainly involved me pulling myself together and getting on with things. My first reaction was to find ways to be there for others. I assumed this was my duty as Holly’s father. We spent ten days in London walking down to the hospital where her body was held. In a park by the river, we met her friends, colleagues and family members. We exchanged hugs and ate food together and shook our heads in disbelief.

    Far from home, I could only think of one personal friend in London. I called him up, and he came to join us and took me to a Sushi bar. I treasure that as a moment where I was doing something for myself. He was the perfect friend to share grief with.

    That one meeting amongst so many serves to illustrate the imbalance of my grief process. At the funeral, I left my wife to bawl her eyes out by the graveside while I walked around the burial field, greeting each of the 300 or so family and friends.

    I am not judging myself here, just noticing that my process was focused on what I have felt to be the needs of others.

    Similarly, my first significant action within days of her death was to sign up for a Counselling Training course. The questions driving me were — How can I help others avoid having to live through such trauma? Or maybe — How can I help other young people going through similar mental distress?

    Now 23 months down the line I am beginning to notice how I am grieving for myself. The loss of Holly is such a massive trauma that my body, emotions and spirit have taken over the grieving process. I have given my mind space to step aside. I am feeling the grief in my body. I am allowing the emotions to bubble up and not trying to fix them.

    I have a clear sense of purpose and direction which is not driven by the needs of others. This is new to me. It is as if I had a concept in my mind that to create meaning and purpose in my life, I had to focus on the needs of others. Now I am finding purpose and meaning by focusing on my own needs, and this has allowed my creative processes to open up in new ways.

    The music of grief.

    Lockdown has enabled me to create a music studio for myself in the spare bedroom. Till now it has always been temporary. Dismantled for visitors or to pack up instruments for gigs. Now with none of that possible, it is stable.

    One morning last week, I moved from my second breakfast into the studio, and I started playing a melody on my little melodica. I became engrossed. The theme grew, an accompaniment flowered in the background. I made a rough recording layering up the parts as if I was writing music for a yet to be created film.

    There were several things unusual about this. For 30 years, I have only written music for a specific purpose. I worked as a Storyteller in schools and wrote music to accompany a particular story. Or I had a gig coming up that needed padding out. Always specific and with a clear brief and goal in mind.

    Today I wrote music for no reason just as I had in my youth.

    It flowed easily. There were times when I had tears in my eyes. There were times when I felt like I was observing myself composing music. As if the observer and the composer were two separate entities.

    Eventually, I pulled out of the process and left the music playing on a loop now on monitor speakers. I made coffee and sat with my wife.

    “That sounds like your grief,” she said.

    I realised at that moment that at last, I was allowing my grief to flow. Not judging it or trying to turn it to some purpose or managing it.

    I could sense it in my body. As I lifted the coffee cup, there was sadness there. But it was not stopping me from drinking my coffee or being a creative person. It was is if it was driving my creative process, and I was allowing it to do that. I was no longer in a battle with or struggling with grief. I had achieved some sort of partnership with it.

    The story of grief.

    In the next few days, the song took hold.

    For my grandson and two nephews, I have been making youtube videos under my old performing name of Dragonfly Stories. I have not performed professionally as a storyteller for 20 years. I would however always be asked to resurrect a few for family birthdays and other occasions when we gathered together.

    The creating of the music now took on a new life in creating a story performance to go with it. I found myself researching myths, legends and folk tales related to grief.

    Many I could not relate to at all. Western culture and religions particularly seem to have a peculiar perception of the grief process. I found more resonance with Asian religions but finally managed to settle on using a common African folktale around which to hang my song and story.

    I have called it Aaliyah — The girl with the golden hair.

    A young woman suffering the grief of losing her entire extended family travels through a dark forest and finds a village of people very unlike her. She settles in and is accepted even though she is clearly different to them. Each morning she walks around the village singing a song to awaken everyone to enjoy the day.

    The villagers have never sung or even heard singing before. They are entranced and ask Aaliyah to teach them to sing. She brings much joy and happiness to the village.

    However, the medicine man is jealous and thinks she has enchanted them with magic that he does not possess. He begins to implant doubt and fearful thoughts into the mind of Aaliyah.

    “They don’t really love you. They pretend they do because they are afraid.” “They are plotting to kill you” “They will cut off your golden hair in the night.”

    Finally, she is so afraid that she leaves the village never to return.

    Now the villagers express their grief in a song. Every evening they gather by the forest and sing to Aaliyah.

    Aaliyah, We miss you when the morning comes.

    Where are you, when will you return?

    We miss you when the evening comes.

    Will you return to us? Please return to us?

    Although she never returns. The gift of singing and the joy she brought to the village remains and has become part of their lives.

    The flow of grief.

    The most used metaphor for traumatic grief is that of a black hole. You never get rid of it, but you grow a new life around it. I have never related to this metaphor. It suggests the grief is a singular item with a permanent place in your life which will never change.

    The metaphor that I have with me now is that of a flowing stream. The grief is not one of the rocks or a deep pool which life flows around. The grief is part of the flow. The grief is there flowing in shallow waters over pebbly ground catching the sunlight. It is part of the flow through dark underground caves. It is part of the joyous splashing of a waterfall over rocks. It is part of the wide river on its determined journey to the ocean. It is part of the ocean.

    Grief will always be with me, but not as an obstacle or a distraction. Grief will now inspire me to write, compose or perform. This is quite different from using my creative skills as an outlet for my grief. I can now allow grief to be part of the driving force of my life. Not as an unwelcome visitor but as a companion.