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Tag: emotions

Why Online Counselling or Therapy Might be the Right Thing for You
You can choose video, phone, email or text chat from the comfort of your own home.

First published in Invisible Illness on Medium by John Walter 📣

Image created by the author with some help from AI Midjourney.

Not everyone can get things together to make it to a therapy room once a week for face-to-face sessions. The Covid Lockdowns forced the counselling establishment to examine how they viewed, championed and supported online counselling.

The reasons why online therapy may suit you.
1. geographical: there are no therapists within reasonable travelling time.
2. physical disabilities or illness: travelling and accessing a physical public space is too much.
3. mental health issues: whether agoraphobia, generalised anxiety or other fears and phobias, staying home and making online contact seems much more doable.
4. specific therapists or therapies: not all counsellors will be a good fit for you. You can give yourself a wider choice online.
5. travelling: you travel for work and need to access therapy from any location you find yourself in.
6. relationship issues: there are many reasons why you may wish to keep therapy meetings secret from your partner.
7. under 35’s: chat, voice and video calls are a medium you are comfortable with.
8. anonymity: you feel more comfortable speaking with someone you will never meet in real life.
If you have more to add, please drop them in the responses below.

My journey and experiences through training and into private practice.

My Private Practice is a 50/50 mix of online and face-to-face counselling. I am pleased to keep it that way and can see that a change in circumstances could quickly push me towards 100% online work, and I would be okay with that.

In March 2020, I was due to begin my counselling placements when the first lockdown was announced. The two agencies I signed up with closed because they could not face the complexities of switching to online counselling.

This circumstance thrust me into online work, and I found that it suited me well. I also recognised that most of my online clients would be unable to access therapy if face-to-face was the only option.

Building Connections in a Disconnected World:

Text chat and email.

I have had clients, who find it impossible to talk at home. Using a text chat system can be their only way to access therapy. Not many therapists offer this, and they need someone experienced in these methods to be effective.

The session has the same boundaries as a regular therapy hour. The advantage is you could access a session while riding on the bus, in a cafe, in your car or quietly at home.

Misunderstandings often occur when using text, don’t be afraid to ask for clarification and give clarification when asked.

Pros: This method is a good way of focusing on a single specific issue in each chat. Very easy to have sessions that no one else knows about.

Cons: It is tricky to access the deeper emotional issues which might be driving your behaviours.

Phone.

I have done some extensive long-term therapeutic work exclusively over the phone. Some clients cannot physically get to sessions, and others prefer not to be seen.

Everything I have done in face-to-face sessions has been equally doable in phone sessions. Not all therapists are comfortable with phone therapy, so if you prefer this approach seek out someone with experience.

Seek out a regular space to use for these calls where there is no chance of you being overheard by anyone. It helps to have the same environment each time, even if it is in your car parked in a layby.

Pros: Everything possible in face-to-face therapy is also possible on the phone. Convenient and simple to set up.

Cons: Because it is so simple to set up, you may find yourself not giving time on either side of the hour for preparation and reflection.

Video Link

Clients find it very simple to access my video service through TherapyLock. Unlike Zoom or Teams, no setting up or installation is required at the client end. Ease of connection is a significant factor when choosing an online therapist.

Clients who find me online and contact me from all over the world have often chosen my service for particular reasons. They may have had difficulty finding a local therapist who works in a way they are comfortable with. I have found that clients who have put the work in to find a therapist who meets their particular needs have a more significant commitment to and understanding of the therapeutic process.

Pros: If you have a clear idea of your therapeutic needs, then you can easily find a therapist who can cater to them.

Cons: You need a reliable wifi or 4G signal and feel comfortable with video chat.

Thanks for reading to the end. Please ensure that any therapist you contact is qualified to Practice online.

These websites are directories for UK-based therapists

Counselling Directory – Find a Counsellor Near You

Counselling Directory connects you with professional counsellors and therapists near you to help you find the help you…

www.counselling-directory.org.uk

Find Counselling, Therapists, Psychologists – Psychology Today UK

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www.psychologytoday.com
June 19, 2023
Being In Relationship
It’s not about dating apps

Image created by author on Midjourney

Dating apps convince you that you are doing a relationship, but that is quite a different thing from being in a relationship.

Being in relationship

We will take a few steps back and look at everything it takes to be in a relationship with others. Maybe you can dump the apps and start living a life where you nurture your relationship with yourself first, and every other relationship flows from that.

Take a few more steps back to see the moment you were born. Yeah, that moment. The only relationship you had was with your mother from the inside to the outside. All sorts of stuff can kick off there. You are ripe for abandonment, neglect, abuse or being hurt. Maybe you were lucky and got a lovely big dose of care and attention, and then a bit further down the line, it all went a bit weird. Yeah, I can’t seem to write even one sentence with a fairytale ending.

Whatever you had to go through was your relationship training ground. Every cell in your body grew in childhood and took on patterns and relationships from your environment.

Childhood is your training ground for relationships

My family were not touchy-feely. My parents restricted physical contact to functionality. A boil on the bum meant I could lie across my mum’s lap while she took a needle to it. Being a bit pathetic at drying myself after a bath meant I got a good roughing up with a towel.

I needed touch then, and I still need it now. Do those strategies born of neediness still creep into every relationship? You bet they do.

What have you dragged from your childhood into every adult relationship?

Do all your romantic partners start out wonderful and then begin to metamorphose into someone with many similar characteristics to one or both of your parents?

Lots of things are going on here. Your childhood is your training ground for relationships. You learn how to interpret and live with your emotions in connection with those around you as a child.

When you move into independent adulthood, you are naturally drawn to relationships that reflect your relationship with your parents and family. You feel safe there. It is familiar. You have spent almost 20 years surviving in a particular relational environment. All your responses, habits and behaviour patterns have been integrated into your body/mind as a safe and sensible approach to life.

One of my survival techniques or patterns was to be the peacemaker, keep a low profile, and be calm in the face of chaos. This is a handy set of characteristics when growing up in a large, noisy and mildly dysfunctional family. It is quite an attractive characteristic; as an adult, it has drawn many people to me.

But what is the downside?

What am I missing out on ?

What am I dragging into all relationships as a result?

Recognising the relational baggage you carry

There are different approaches to this task depending on your processing style.
1. Thinkers: Look at your thoughts around relationships. What do you believe about yourself? What do you believe about others?
2. Feelers: Visualise interactions with a parent when you were a child. What do you feel as you negotiate these moments in time? Do you recognise these feelings in current relationships in the workplace or in your social life?
3. Action takers: List the times in childhood when you could not take action, were frozen or took yourself away from situations that immobilised you. Do you now avoid similar problems, or have you begun to face them?
4. Seekers: Imagine you are carrying a large backpack on a long journey. You set it down, take out each item in the pack, and lay it in front of you. Explore what each item represents.
Whatever your baggage, your current relationships are influenced by what you carry.

I can’t advise you what to do next.

You have recognised a belief or an obstacle, a recurring feeling of discomfort or a symbolic item you brought with you from childhood into your life as an adult.

Now is your opportunity to transform that, and only you know how. It may be that by simply recognising the thought, feeling, obstacle or symbol, you can acknowledge the echo from the past and decide whether it is helpful to you now in the present.

You may need to start by going through a process where you develop a stronger, more loving relationship with yourself. Notice when you judge yourself, regard yourself in a negative light, or behave in a way that does not reflect your true self.

I recognise and acknowledge that my relationship with myself is where all other relationships begin or fail.

My ongoing challenges and how I meet them

I often find myself in communication, where my automatic response is to keep the peace. I walk away from challenging conversations and avoid confronting bad practices or behaviour. I resign rather than negotiate further. I give in rather than argue.

I am now noticing my responses, but instead of shutting down or stepping away, I acknowledge what I am feeling to myself. This is often enough. If I am feeling threatened or attacked, acknowledging the feeling is enough to stop me from reacting in my usual way. I can stay in the conversation. I can gather my thoughts and find ways to express myself that connect me to that person rather than create a wall.

Whatever your relationship challenge, dating apps will not solve it. Focus on your relationship with yourself, and maybe dating apps will be a useful tool to get you out there and practise your new skill of being in relationship.

If you need more help, get in touch

First published in Medium September 2022
September 20, 2022
You Don’t Know What Love Is

Until you’ve learnt the meaning of the blues

Love, loss and grief. Photo by Anastasia Kolchina from Pexels

Trigger Warning: this article contains a discussion of love, loss, grief and suicide that may not be suitable for all readers. AoE community, please read with care.

My headline is the title of a song recorded by Chet Baker and Nina Simone. This is the story of how it became interwoven with my life.

The first time I sang this song to an audience was in a small local pub the night before my youngest daughter Holly took her own life. It was also the first time I had been aware of tears rolling down my cheeks whilst performing.

Step back a few hours, and I was on a park bench watching the tidal river ebb away in front of me. I was phoning my daughter. I wonder if I was aware of her life ebbing away like the river. She didn’t pick up. I didn’t expect her to, and it’s difficult to admit there was some relief. I don’t know what I would have said.

Her mother was speaking to her every day. This routine began two weeks earlier when Holly was signed off work with anxiety and stress. Had Holly’s deep sadness influenced me to choose this song to sing on this night? Or was it my sadness at my sense I was losing her love, and I could no more stop that than I could stop the river in front of me from flowing back to the sea?

I left a voice message telling her I was about to set up for a gig and could talk to her afterwards if she wanted. She texted after midnight. A simple
“Love you, Daddy.”

She had already decided to end her life. Her husband had been making sure one of her friends was checking in on her every day, and she had invented an arrangement to meet someone for lunch the next day. She reminded him of this bogus meetup when he left for work and said she would have her phone off.

Until you’ve loved a love you had to lose
You don’t know what love is
Song Lyrics

As far as we know, she went to the pharmacy that morning to get what she needed along with a bag of chocolates to take away the taste. An image seared into my mind is how I walked into her flat the following day and dipped my hand into that bag of chocolates. Nothing tasted the same. The lips that taste of tears lose their taste for anything else.

And how the lips that taste of tears
Lose the taste for kissing
Song Lyrics

For the last 44 months, I have been learning the meaning of the blues. That yearning and despair will never go away. The pain that blues musicians have expressed for over 150 years. The pain of racial or personal oppression and hardship or losing your loved ones. It never goes away.

You don’t know how hearts burn
For love that cannot live, yet never dies
Song Lyrics

Holly could not live, but her love will never die. I sit here today on her birthday, unable to do anything other than think of her. Forget all notions of ‘getting over it,’ ‘moving on,’ ‘having closure’. Blues music has been around for over 150 years, and if I could live that long, I would still carry those complicated feelings of love and loss with me.

Looking at the history of Blues Music, I see a different perspective. It did not begin in slavery. The descendants of enslaved people created it. It expresses the continued oppression of African Americans but also celebrates their freedom. The Blues is a genre expressing sadness, but at the same time, it celebrates the joy of freedom.

Now I know what love is. It is being able to experience joy and pain concurrently. Sometimes, I found it difficult to feel anything before Holly died. By losing her physically, I have gained the ability to feel love and sadness simultaneously and find I am feeling so much more.

Find the lyrics of the song here

Contribute to The Compassionate Friends here. Help support bereaved parents and their families.

My instrumental piano version of the tune in my freeish modern jazz style.

Losing a Child to Suicide

February 18, 2022
Father’s Day Is A Nightmare
But brings back precious memories

John Walter 📣

Jun 23 · 4 min read

Holly and me – by author

I have two daughters. Holly lived life on full throttle for 28 years and then stopped. Two years after this photograph on a hot summer morning, she sent her last text to me, “Love you, daddy”, and took her own life. Like everything she did, Holly thoroughly researched and planned this final act, and it was sure to be successful.

She won’t send me a card, text, or Whatsapp message for my third Father’s Day. So I sit here sifting through memories and wondering what it means to be a dad, father, daddy.

She trained me well. I had strict instructions to prepare my wedding speech and write notes. She didn’t want any of that improvised waffly nonsense I was famous for. It worked, and I delivered a humdinger. I was the father of the day.

Now I am a bereaved father, and no one has written a manual for that, and I haven’t got Holly to tell me how to do it. So I can’t ring her up and ask her to talk me through the steps like she did when she organised that cheap phone for me through her insurance.

An anecdote in the wedding speech recalled a time when four girls were in the bath. Holly was the youngest, but her strength of personality was such that the three other girls started chanting and splashing the water.
“Holly is the boss! Holly is the boss!”

At times of indecision, all of us still have the thought, “What would Holly do?
```
I have lost my centre. I have lost the guidebook. I am a tourist that does not want to be on holiday. Not here. Not now.
```
Father’s Day arrived with a card from my eldest daughter and was soon followed by a phone call. But it all feels messy. How can I love one daughter without the other? So I spend the day with sadness dragging around my feet and love and joy carrying me forward in a lurching fashion.

I walk to the cliffs and watch the local youth surfing some beautiful waves. I want to be out there with them, but I know my balance and bones won’t allow that. So I sit in the Cornish mizzle, a spectator on life.

Holly’s death has been a catalyst that has transformed my life. The week after she died, I signed up for a Counselling course. Tomorrow I hand in my last bit of written work. Yesterday I attended an induction course for a new job I will soon begin as a counsellor for young people.

Before Holly died, I was directionless, downsized, living in a beautiful place, a retired teacher who never wanted to teach again.

The trauma of Holly taking her own life was like a lightning strike that energised me and reconnected me with my passion.

I am a father. Of course, I doubt whether I did a good enough job.

I have days of obsessing around the details of a conversation. Would it have made a difference if I had said …? Could I have changed the course of her life?

That question feels rich when it is so tricky to affect any change to the course of my own life. How could I possibly manufacture a perfect upbringing for my children? My own childhood was pretty idyllic and privileged, but something was missing, meaning I have never felt fulfilled or entirely content.

If it has taken me over 50 years and many hours of therapy to get to that realisation and still not pin it down exactly to specific causes, what hope was there of single-handedly creating the perfect environment for my children?

I have learnt a powerful lesson from my counselling training about being congruent. This is one of the core conditions of Person-centred counselling. As a teacher, I was not congruent. My authentic self sat on the sidelines while I trundled out government-approved garbage.

As a counsellor, I can be congruent. I can be my authentic self. I can notice how I am thinking and feeling when I am with a client. Then, rather than deflecting or dismissing those thoughts and feelings, I can make decisions in the moment on whether it is helpful to share them.

I wish I had developed that skill while Holly was still alive. I have so many memories of conversations with her that started well and then seemed to hit a brick wall. So often with a cheery smile and “I’m fine.” Maybe my counselling skills could have created a chink in that wall that we could have worked on over the years.

I am under no illusions, though. Just because someone is labelled father doesn’t mean they necessarily have any control or rights over their progeny. Congruent or not, every child is an independent living being with their own path to follow.

Father’s day passes, and I know I love being a father, whatever form it takes. But, I also know there is more to it than those traditional roles of breadwinner and protector. Sometimes I was so focused on breadwinning that I failed to protect. Sometimes everything was out of kilter, but I was there. I stayed present.

Holly — I wouldn’t have missed your wedding for the world. I still treasure the 60th birthday lunch you organised at Ronnie Scotts. I even treasure memories of you moaning all the way on a walk around the Lizard. I love the videos of you singing with your choir and the memories of family harmonies in the car.

I wish I could have spoken to you on Father’s day but hey! Thank you for all those beautiful memories over 28 years.
July 13, 2021
How to Grasp this Opportunity to Listen to Your Emotions

Experience your place of power.

John Walter 🌍Apr 4 · 5 min read

Photo by Sebastian Palomino from Pexels

With plenty of time on our hands, we have an opportunity to get to know our emotional world. Some of you will be spending most of your time alone or with your small family group.

You may be returning home to be isolation after an anxious and fraught shift as a key worker and carrying back the fear that you may be infecting your loved ones.

Neglecting your emotional world would be a dangerous mistake.

I spent a day in a small rural hospital yesterday. The ward I was on had six patients and twenty-four empty beds. Usually, it is full, with several on the waiting list. In anticipation of waves of Coronavirus patients, they had cancelled routine visits.

The paramedics rushed me in after a 1-hour journey where they had been pumping me full of morphine to combat the pain of severe renal colic. Big hand-drawn signs met us with arrows and the words Hot and Cold. Presumably shorthand for Covid19 symptoms or the lack of them.

Illustration by John Walter

There were lots of staff standing around. We were in the lobby for several minutes as people checked with their superiors on the protocols in these circumstances.

For twenty-four hours, I was powerless. I gave myself over to these professionals. They were coping with extreme anxiety and powerlessness. Coming in each day, wondering if this is the day that it all kicks off and they would be submerged by a tsunami of patients fighting for their lives.

What can we do with all the emotions swirling around at such a time?

Forget all the advice:

How to deal with your emotions — control your feelings — flush out — regulate — improve — master…

They all set up emotions as your enemy. Where did that come from?

Your emotions are your friend, guide, informer, a record of experience.

Emotional experiences, whether good or bad, leave strong traces in the brain. Scholarpedia

Emotions are part of our survival mechanisms. They perform an essential function in our whole development as a socialised human being.

Intense emotional events prompt the body to create chemicals or hormones like oxytocin. These chemicals have the effect of imprinting the event in our memories.

We get cuddles, it feels nice, we seek out more cuddles — a survival mechanism. We get bitten it hurts, we are frightened, we avoid bitey things — a survival mechanism.

We remember intense events in fantastic detail. That is the direct result of the emotions we were feeling at the time.

57-year-old memory

I have a vivid image of the moment I heard that President Kennedy was shot. I was at an agricultural show, and a reporter leapt out of his Exhibition stand and shouted it at the top of his voice. I can sense what the weather was like, who I was with and just the shock of it.

48-year-old memory

I can also remember being in a club late at night with the girl I loved. She took a sip of southern comfort, turned my face towards hers and kissed me. Slowly releasing the Southern Comfort into my mouth. My memory is engraved with a picture, the colours, the tastes, the smell of patchouli.

Controlling — mastering — managing your emotions is the logical thing to do… Isn’t it?

Depression, anxiety and panic attacks are not a sign of weakness. They are signs of trying to remain strong far to long. Robin Williams

Sometimes logical approaches can be downright dangerous. Trying to remain strong, coping with adversity. This is the emotions we are talking about! Apply logical processes to logical events, but not to your emotions!

Where is the power in emotions?

My featured picture shows a person sat watching a huge waterfall. It is a very restful thing to do. Have you tried this or something similar? Something with immense power and energy laid out in front of you, and it gives you a feeling of peace to just watch it.

Imagine all that water was your emotions.

What happens if you dive in? You probably drown as you are swept away. Can you control or regulate the water? No, you just have to let it pass. You are powerless in the face of that mass of water. Unable to do anything other than sit and watch, or maybe drink a few drops in your cupped hands.

Consider everything that body of water carries.

scientists believe that as water travels it picks up and stores information from all of the places that it has travelled through, which can thereby connect people to a lot of different places and sources of information when they drink this water, depending on the journey that it has been on. (Resonance)

Consider the futility of capturing one drop of water and analysing it. Compare that with the power that comes from taking in the immensity of the whole body of water as it passes you and how that connects you with the rest of humanity. Let your awareness expand further to your connection with the plants, the animals, the minerals of the earth. Take another step and appreciate the link to the past, the future and all the matter and antimatter in the universe.

Can you allow your emotions to flow past you in that way?

Can you observe rather than process or do anything that tries to modify your emotions? Can you appreciate how every emotion is connecting you with every moment of your past and future life?

On my journey to the hospital, I did just that. My body went in and out of consciousness. My kidney was in spasm, and I vomited several times. My body began to shake uncontrollably.

I observed myself slipping into unconsciousness. That was a good feeling because for a moment; there was no pain. I felt the presence of my deceased daughter Holly. I looked back over my life. I considered the possibility that I would just slip away now and not come back. That would be fine by me under the current circumstances.

I felt very calm knowing that whatever was going to happen would happen and it was beyond my control. Also, if I did try to exert any control over my circumstances or emotions, it would be a waste of energy.

Can you sit in the mess of your emotions like this and observe them?

No analysis. No judgement.

You have no control over them. They have no control over you.

That is your place of power. Observing life’s circumstances passing by and observing the flow of your emotions. Whatever action you need to take will be taken, but not as an emotional reaction, as a natural response to the direction of flow.

Mind, Body, Soul, and Emotions: Finding Harmony in the Pieces of Yourself

April 4, 2020
Let it all Unravel

When soldiering on doesn’t work anymore.

Pixabay

John Walter ⭐Dec 29, 2019 · 3 min read. [First published in Live Your Life On Purpose – Medium]

My grandfather was a fisherman. Never owned a car. Didn’t drink.

I think of him in winter sitting by the window watching the boats in the harbor. The open fire roaring, his pipe nearby ready to add aromatic smoke to the scene.

On his lap and all around his feet is a tangled mass of string. Over days, it will slowly transform back into something recognizable as a fishing net.

This is not a linear process. He is not starting at one end and finishing at another. Before he can start mending the net there is a period of unraveling. Loosening the tangle and knots. You cannot pull it apart, that would only tighten the knots.

You cannot focus on one area to the exclusion of others. You have to loosen the whole mass of string equally before working on any repairs. Let it all unravel.

This is where I find myself now in my grief process. My daughter took her own life 18 months ago. At first, my response was to find ways of coping. I organized the funeral. I checked in on people. I made sure they were ok.

There was some need to keep normal things going. To keep the job I had. To carry on with a musical project. There was a sense of struggling through the days.

I knew it couldn’t carry on. I started to hear stories of those who had soldiered on in their grief for decades only to succumb to mental illness themselves. One man had lost his job, was struggling in his relationship, and was returning to counseling and a grief support group after 30 years.

Let it all unravel.

Photo by Brook Anderson on Unsplash

This is where I am now. Trimming my life down only to things that allow this unraveling. No big plans, no purposeful path stretching into the future. Just paying attention to this tangled mass in front of me.

Noticing that the more I experience my sorrow, the easier it is to let in the joy. Feeling my anxiety. Then feeling the layers of commitment behind the anxiety. Noticing anger and blame when they arise, looking behind that. Noticing that any feeling directed outwards has a source from within me.

Crucially, I experience all these things together. My image of my Grandad helps me to trust that I can only heal by allowing this unraveling. Lay all my feelings in front of me. Allow them to loosen, to gradually spread out and reveal the hidden layers.

Only then when it is all visible can I begin the repairs

LET IT GO

Let it go,
Let it out,
Let it all unravel,
Let it free
And it will be
A path on which to travel.

(Michael Leunig)

February 20, 2020