Tag: healing

  • Are You Stuck in a Pattern of Your Own Making?

    The Locked Brain and the Surfboard

    A brain locked in a pattern of its own making, A free surfing brain.

    Look at the image at the top of this post. Have you ever felt stuck in a pattern, just like this image suggests?

    On the left, a skull, chained and padlocked, sealed inside a glass case. On the right, a living brain, richly coloured, roots trailing like a nervous system still reaching, perched on a surfboard.

    I’ve been sitting with that image all week. It does something that a thousand words of neuroscience struggle to do. It says it in one frame.

    What neuroscience is telling us about trauma and the brain

    Recent advances in our understanding of the brain have given us a useful idea. In a healthy mind, neural networks move fluidly between states, integrating, separating, reconfiguring in response to what’s happening. The system is flexible. It can be surprised, moved, changed by experience, and return to itself afterwards.

    Neuroscientists call that metastability.

    Trauma destroys it. The brain locks into a narrow loop, stuck on one channel, unable to shift. Not because something is stored in the tissue, but because the system has learned that movement itself is dangerous. Stay still. Stay defended. Stay right.

    That’s the skull in the glass case. And the padlock, if you look carefully, is on the inside.

    The ocean, the board, and what I learned before I had words for it

    I grew up in Bude. The sound of the ocean was a constant companion; I could just peek it from my attic window. I learned to read weather in it before I knew what I was doing: the ebb and flow, the change in rhythm before a storm. There was information in that sound, and something settling in it too. I didn’t have the word for it then, but I was learning something about what it means to move with what’s coming rather than brace against it.

    Many of my clients surf. It would surprise me if they didn’t. We live on the North Cornwall coast, and the sea is always there. I understand the flow state they’re describing, that quality of complete absorption where thinking stops and something else takes over. For me, it’s jazz piano. Facing the technical demands of the music, at a certain point, I’m no longer planning or deciding. I’m simply in it, and whatever wants to come out comes out. The board and the keys are different instruments for the same thing: the brain finding its way back to the freedom of childhood imagination.

    When guilt becomes the padlock

    Can you imagine a client whose flow state is surfing, and yet he can barely get to the beach? Not because of injury or illness. Because the responsibilities of work and family have slowly closed around him, and somewhere in that closing, pleasure started to feel like selfishness. The paddle out, the hour in the water, the thing that restores him most reliably, now arrives wrapped in guilt. So he doesn’t go. The padlock goes back on, this time not from trauma in any clinical sense, but from the accumulated weight of obligation and the gradual withdrawal of giving himself permission to be fully alive.

    That’s metastability collapsing in ordinary life. The system can’t move toward what would restore it because moving has come to feel dangerous, self-indulgent, and wrong.

    When being right becomes a matter of survival

    And then there’s a different kind of locked brain. Can you imagine a client who must never lose an argument? Not because they’re arrogant, but because somewhere along the way, losing ground came to feel like losing themselves entirely. The self is too fragile to risk contact without armour. So arguments get created where none exist. Positions get defended past the point of reason. And the people around them, partners, friends, colleagues, gradually stop trying to reach them. The very rigidity designed to protect the self ends up isolating it.

    That’s the glass case with the padlock on the inside. The system can’t be moved, can’t be influenced without feeling annihilated, and can’t lose an argument and still find itself intact on the other side.

    Two very different people. The same image.

    What the therapy room actually offers

    What the therapy room offers, when it’s working, is a place where movement becomes possible again. Where the client who’s locked out his own pleasure can sit with someone who takes his aliveness seriously. Where the client who can’t lose an argument can be genuinely met without being beaten, and discover that the ground doesn’t disappear when they yield a little.

    That’s not technique. It’s not cognitive retraining or processing stored content. It’s the therapist being present enough, free enough in themselves, to model what metastability actually feels like in a human body, in a room, in a relationship. The surfer who knows how to ride uncertainty rather than lock it away.

    Healing isn’t excavation. It’s the return of movement.

    Neuroscience is catching up with what relational practitioners have always known. Flexibility, genuine contact, the productive uncertainty of real relationship: these aren’t nice extras. They’re the thing itself.

    The brain on the surfboard isn’t free because nothing bad ever happened to it. It’s free because it has learned to move again.

  • I’m a therapist: Why I Still Go to Therapy

    Personal Therapy for therapists. A man seated and composed , a double exposure with stormy seas.

    A personal account of what personal therapy makes possible in the consulting room

    Eight years ago, my daughter died by suicide. That fact sits in the room with me every time I work with a client. Most of my long-term clients know it. It’s not something I hide, and it’s not something I’ve resolved. It’s something I carry, and part of my job is to know, at any given moment, how I’m carrying it.

    This article is about one session where that carrying became difficult, what happened next, and why I believe the answer to the question “Do I really need personal therapy?” is, for most therapists, yes.

    Something in the room

    A client I have worked with for some time was talking about the circumstances around her partner’s suicide. She knows about my daughter. That’s part of how we work; I use disclosure as a relational tool, and she had found it useful to know that I had some personal proximity to the kind of loss she was carrying.

    As the session progressed, I became aware of growing anxiety in my body. Not thought-level anxiety, the kind you can reason with, but something lower and more physical. I realised she was building towards telling me the specific details of how her partner was found.

    I asked her to stop, just for a moment. I needed to regulate. I sat with what was happening in my nervous system, and then I was honest with her: I asked whether we could skirt around those particular details, at least for now. She understood immediately. She was not distressed by the request. Because we had a relational contract, because she knew something of my history, and because I had named what was happening rather than trying to manage it covertly, we could make a joint decision about how to proceed. That’s how I work.

    But the session left something unfinished in me.

    The next morning

    I had a fortnightly appointment with my personal therapist the following morning. I’ve been seeing her for five years. I didn’t know what I was going to bring; I rarely do. What was most alive when I woke was a dream.

    In the dream I was in a war zone. There was chaos around me. I was carrying a large assault rifle and being pursued. I took shelter in a cafe. A few minutes later one of my pursuers came in and sat down, ordered coffee, appeared to settle. I was standing in the corner, my rifle propped beside me, and I had to remain still and upright in order to keep it concealed.

    My therapist asked me how I had felt on waking from the dream. I told her: calm. Not relieved, not shaken, calm. In the dream I had known what I needed to do and I had been doing it. She asked whether there was any present-day connection. I went straight back to the session the day before.

    What the body was holding

    We began to look at my nervous system response in that session: the anxiety, the physical signal, the decision to stop. The obvious thread led to my daughter’s death. And as we followed it, I realised something I had not consciously registered before: I had never told anyone the specific details of how she was found. Not my own therapist, not my supervisor, not anyone.

    I’m not going to tell you those details here. But I want to tell you what happened when I told her.

    I asked my therapist if it was all right to go through it. She held the space. With a great deal of shaking and trembling, I told her everything. As the account came out of me, something began to shift in my body. By the time I had finished, it was as though something in my nervous system had dissolved, or at least loosened its grip. The weight of those specific images, held silently for eight years, had been witnessed.

    My supervisor cannot do that work with me. Supervision holds the work; it is where I bring clinical material, ethical questions, and relational dynamics I cannot see clearly. But when something is lodged not in my thinking but in my body, supervision is not the right container. My supervisor has said to me on more than one occasion: “You should take that to personal therapy.” She is right to say it.

    What this makes possible

    After that session with my therapist, I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to be able to offer my client the quality of listening I had withheld. Not because I had been wrong to stop, I had been right to stop, but because I now had more capacity than I had before. Something had been processed that had been blocking me. Next time we meet, I’ll share something of that process with her. We will decide together, as we always do, how to proceed.

    This is what personal therapy makes possible. Not the absence of response, therapists are human beings, and we respond, but the ability to stay present with what is difficult rather than being pulled under by it. The difference between a nervous system that can be with a client’s account and one that cannot is not intelligence or training. It is the degree to which our own unprocessed material has been worked with.

    If you’re carrying something and you haven’t given it a proper place to land, it will find one in the room. It will show up in what you cannot hear, what you deflect, what you subtly redirect. Your clients will feel it even when they cannot name it.

    A professional necessity, not a personal indulgence

    There are therapists who treat personal therapy as a requirement to be fulfilled during training and then quietly set aside. I understand the logic: time is limited, fees accumulate, and once you’re qualified the external pressure disappears. But the argument for continuing is not about compliance. It’s about what you’re actually offering in the room.

    I have been in practice for a number of years. I still carry material that surfaces unexpectedly. I still dream things that turn out to be directly connected to my clinical work. I still need a space where I’m the client and someone else is holding the frame. That’s not a sign of inadequacy; it’s a sign of ongoing engagement with the work.

    I don’t go to therapy purely for my own benefit. I go to be in a position to serve my clients better.

    If this article has brought up difficult feelings

    This article discusses suicide and suicide bereavement. If you’re struggling, please reach out.

    Samaritans

    Free, confidential support available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

    Call 116 123 · jo@samaritans.org


    SOBS — Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide

    Peer support from people who have been bereaved by suicide.

    Call 0300 111 5065 · Monday to Friday, 9am–9pm

    More crisis support resources on my Help and Support page →

  • 5 Essential Therapy Insights for Personal Change

    How I Work:

    Five Everyday Essentials That Support Change in Therapy


    When people think about therapy, they often imagine big breakthroughs or sudden moments of clarity. In my experience, the real change is quieter. It grows through small shifts that slowly reshape how you feel, how you relate, and how you understand yourself.

    Over time I have noticed five everyday movements that help people move toward steadier, more grounded living. They are not rules or techniques. They are simply the patterns that tend to emerge when therapy feels safe and supportive.

    If you would like the full article, you can download it here:


    1. Recognising emotional signals


    Many people arrive in therapy thinking they only feel things when they are overwhelmed. But there are often earlier signs. A breath that tightens. A flutter in the stomach. A sense of heat rising. Therapy helps you notice these small cues without judging them. When you can recognise what your body is telling you, you gain more choice and more space to respond.


    2. Exploring relationship patterns


    We all learn how to relate to others in childhood. Those early patterns often follow us into adult life, even when the original situations have changed. You might find yourself walking on eggshells around a partner or boss in the same way you once did as a child. Therapy offers a safe place to look at these patterns with curiosity and compassion. When you understand where they came from, you have more freedom to relate in new ways.


    3. Sitting with discomfort


    Difficult emotions do not always need to be fixed or pushed away. Sometimes the most healing thing is to stay with a feeling for a moment, connected to yourself and your breath. This is not the same as tolerating pain. It is about noticing what comes up without running from it or turning against yourself. Many people find that this simple practice becomes a turning point in therapy.


    4. Understanding protective parts


    When you start to notice your reactions more clearly, you may see that the parts of you that panic, shut down or flare up are not flaws. They are protective responses that made sense at another time in your life. Therapy helps these parts feel safer so they can soften and update. The aim is not to remove them but to understand them, so they no longer have to work so hard.


    5. Valuing small changes


    Change rarely arrives in one big moment. More often it comes from small, steady shifts that build over time. A breath before reacting. A clearer boundary. A kinder inner voice. A new understanding of what you need. Therapy supports these micro-movements because they are the ones that last.


    For a deeper exploration of these themes, you can read the full article here:


    My integrative approach


    Many influences have shaped my way of working. Writers, researchers and therapists across the field have shaped how I think about change. I draw on relational, psychodynamic, and body-based ideas, but I do not follow a rigid method. Instead, I weave together the threads that support each person in front of me.


    Just as clients gently unfurl, I do as well. My work continues to evolve as I learn, reflect and meet each person as who they are. Therapy is not a fixed process. It is a relationship. It is two people unfolding at their own pace, finding steadier ways forward together.