If you’ve ever typed “why am I so angry?” into a search bar, you’re far from alone. Anger is often the first feeling to show up, and the fastest. For many men it’s also the one that feels most allowed. But anger usually carries something else with it: hurt, fear, shame, exhaustion or grief.
This free reflection takes about ten minutes. You think about one recent time you got angry and follow it back: what was going on just before, where you felt it in your body, what might have been underneath, and what the anger was trying to protect. At the end you’ll have a sentence of your own to take away.
It isn’t anger management, and it won’t tell you what’s wrong with you. Nothing you choose or type is saved or sent anywhere. Use the full screen button if you’d like more room.
A reflection for men
Anger tends to arrive first and fastest. Often it’s carrying something else: hurt, fear, shame, tiredness, grief. This isn’t about controlling your anger or counting to ten. It’s a chance to follow one recent moment back and see what was underneath.
It takes about ten minutes. Written for men, and open to anyone who finds anger arriving before the words.
Nothing you choose or type is saved or sent anywhere. Close the page and it’s gone.
Step 1 of 6 · The moment
Bring to mind one time recently when you got angry.
Not the worst time. One you can look at without it taking you over again. It might be a few seconds of snapping, or an anger that sat with you all day.
Step 2 of 6 · Just before
What was going on for you just before?
Anger rarely comes from nowhere. Choose anything that fits, as many as you like.
Step 3 of 6 · In the body
Where did you feel it first?
The body often knows before the mind does. Think back to the first few seconds.
And what did it want you to do?
Step 4 of 6 · Underneath
Was anything else there, under the anger?
These can be harder to feel, and harder to admit to. Choose any that ring true, even a little. If none do, that’s useful to know too.
Step 5 of 6 · What it was guarding
What might the anger have been protecting?
Anger often stands guard over something that matters. It isn’t always wrong about what needs protecting, even when the way it goes about it costs you.
Step 6 of 6 · Familiar ground
Is this an anger you’ve known for a long time?
Most of us learned what to do with anger long before we had any say in it. You don’t need to answer these; just notice what comes.
- Who got angry in your family when you were growing up, and what happened when they did?
- What happened to your anger when you were young? Was it allowed, punished, laughed at, ignored?
- Is there someone this moment reminds you of?
Something to take with you
Here’s what you’ve pieced together.
It’s only a draft. Tap it and change any word until it sounds like you.
Saying a sentence like this out loud, to yourself or to someone who’s on your side, isn’t the same as the anger. It can be the start of a different conversation.
If anger is costing you, at home, at work, or in how you feel about yourself, it’s something I work with often. Underneath it there’s usually something that makes a lot of sense once there’s room to look at it.
I’m a psychotherapist working with men online across the UK and in person in Bude, Cornwall. Find out about counselling for men.
You'll find more free reflections and exercises on the free tools page, including A Question Deck for Men. For a longer read on anger, see men with anger issues. If you'd like to talk things through, read about counselling for men or get in touch.