Tag: mindfulness

  • Are You Stuck in a Pattern of Your Own Making?

    The Locked Brain and the Surfboard

    A brain locked in a pattern of its own making, A free surfing brain.

    Look at the image at the top of this post. Have you ever felt stuck in a pattern, just like this image suggests?

    On the left, a skull, chained and padlocked, sealed inside a glass case. On the right, a living brain, richly coloured, roots trailing like a nervous system still reaching, perched on a surfboard.

    I’ve been sitting with that image all week. It does something that a thousand words of neuroscience struggle to do. It says it in one frame.

    What neuroscience is telling us about trauma and the brain

    Recent advances in our understanding of the brain have given us a useful idea. In a healthy mind, neural networks move fluidly between states, integrating, separating, reconfiguring in response to what’s happening. The system is flexible. It can be surprised, moved, changed by experience, and return to itself afterwards.

    Neuroscientists call that metastability.

    Trauma destroys it. The brain locks into a narrow loop, stuck on one channel, unable to shift. Not because something is stored in the tissue, but because the system has learned that movement itself is dangerous. Stay still. Stay defended. Stay right.

    That’s the skull in the glass case. And the padlock, if you look carefully, is on the inside.

    The ocean, the board, and what I learned before I had words for it

    I grew up in Bude. The sound of the ocean was a constant companion; I could just peek it from my attic window. I learned to read weather in it before I knew what I was doing: the ebb and flow, the change in rhythm before a storm. There was information in that sound, and something settling in it too. I didn’t have the word for it then, but I was learning something about what it means to move with what’s coming rather than brace against it.

    Many of my clients surf. It would surprise me if they didn’t. We live on the North Cornwall coast, and the sea is always there. I understand the flow state they’re describing, that quality of complete absorption where thinking stops and something else takes over. For me, it’s jazz piano. Facing the technical demands of the music, at a certain point, I’m no longer planning or deciding. I’m simply in it, and whatever wants to come out comes out. The board and the keys are different instruments for the same thing: the brain finding its way back to the freedom of childhood imagination.

    When guilt becomes the padlock

    Can you imagine a client whose flow state is surfing, and yet he can barely get to the beach? Not because of injury or illness. Because the responsibilities of work and family have slowly closed around him, and somewhere in that closing, pleasure started to feel like selfishness. The paddle out, the hour in the water, the thing that restores him most reliably, now arrives wrapped in guilt. So he doesn’t go. The padlock goes back on, this time not from trauma in any clinical sense, but from the accumulated weight of obligation and the gradual withdrawal of giving himself permission to be fully alive.

    That’s metastability collapsing in ordinary life. The system can’t move toward what would restore it because moving has come to feel dangerous, self-indulgent, and wrong.

    When being right becomes a matter of survival

    And then there’s a different kind of locked brain. Can you imagine a client who must never lose an argument? Not because they’re arrogant, but because somewhere along the way, losing ground came to feel like losing themselves entirely. The self is too fragile to risk contact without armour. So arguments get created where none exist. Positions get defended past the point of reason. And the people around them, partners, friends, colleagues, gradually stop trying to reach them. The very rigidity designed to protect the self ends up isolating it.

    That’s the glass case with the padlock on the inside. The system can’t be moved, can’t be influenced without feeling annihilated, and can’t lose an argument and still find itself intact on the other side.

    Two very different people. The same image.

    What the therapy room actually offers

    What the therapy room offers, when it’s working, is a place where movement becomes possible again. Where the client who’s locked out his own pleasure can sit with someone who takes his aliveness seriously. Where the client who can’t lose an argument can be genuinely met without being beaten, and discover that the ground doesn’t disappear when they yield a little.

    That’s not technique. It’s not cognitive retraining or processing stored content. It’s the therapist being present enough, free enough in themselves, to model what metastability actually feels like in a human body, in a room, in a relationship. The surfer who knows how to ride uncertainty rather than lock it away.

    Healing isn’t excavation. It’s the return of movement.

    Neuroscience is catching up with what relational practitioners have always known. Flexibility, genuine contact, the productive uncertainty of real relationship: these aren’t nice extras. They’re the thing itself.

    The brain on the surfboard isn’t free because nothing bad ever happened to it. It’s free because it has learned to move again.

  • Gift Yourself Self-Care

    Christmas can be trickysome. Create an Advent Calendar of Self-Care. At least one thing, moment or time every day that is entirely devoted to your wellbeing.

    Here are some suggestions from my trusty ChatGPT friend.

    1. Mindful Breathing or Meditation:
      • Set aside a few minutes each day for mindfulness or meditation. Focus on your breath, clear your mind, and create a sense of calm amidst the holiday hustle.
    2. Holiday Reading:
      • Pick up a book you’ve wanted to read but haven’t had the time for. Whether it’s fiction, non-fiction, or a holiday-themed book, reading can be a great way to relax.
    3. Nature Walks or Outdoor Time:
      • Take a break from indoor activities and go for a walk in nature. Fresh air and a change of scenery can do wonders for your mental well-being.
    4. Digital Detox:
      • Designate specific times to disconnect from electronic devices. This break from screens can help reduce stress and promote more meaningful connections with loved ones.
    5. Creative Time:
      • Engage in a creative activity you enjoy, whether it’s painting, writing, crafting, or playing a musical instrument. Expressing yourself creatively can be therapeutic.
    6. Quality Time with Loved Ones:
      • Schedule dedicated time with family and friends. Whether it’s a game night, a movie marathon, or a simple gathering, spending time with loved ones can bring joy and fulfillment.
    7. Relaxing Bath or Spa Time:
      • Treat yourself to a soothing bath or a home spa session. Use your favourite scents, candles, and calming music to create a peaceful atmosphere.
    8. Exercise Routine:
      • Maintain a consistent exercise routine, even if it’s just a short workout. Physical activity is a great way to reduce stress and boost your mood.
    9. Gratitude Journaling:
      • Take a moment each day to reflect on the things you are grateful for. Keeping a gratitude journal can shift your focus to the positive aspects of your life.
    10. Holiday Music and Festive Decor:
      • Create a festive atmosphere in your home with holiday decorations and music. Surrounding yourself with the spirit of the season can enhance your mood and make the holidays more enjoyable.

  • Navigating the Holidays: Your Guide to Preventing Mental Burnout This Christmas Season

    By focusing on your well-being you can reduce stress and maybe even feel refreshed after the holiday.

    If you are a mamber of Medium please read it here John Walter πŸ“£

    All Images created by the author

    Have you got a way of blocking out all the seasonal stress and noise that has a negative effect on your well-being? Are you able to plan your time, foresee obstacles and sidestep them? Can you recognise those feelings of guilt and responsibility and consign them to the recycling bin?

    Firstly let’s look at some of the things that may be causing stress.

    You may like to give each a score of 0–5
    0 means that it causes no stress at all
    5 means it causes extreme stress.

    This list was generated by ChatGPT which is good at that sort of thing.

    1. Gift Shopping and Wrapping: Selecting and purchasing gifts for family and friends, followed by the task of wrapping them.
    2. Decorating: Putting up holiday decorations both inside and outside the home, which may include setting up a Christmas tree, hanging lights, and other festive decor.
    3. Meal Planning and Cooking: Preparing and cooking holiday meals for gatherings, which often involves planning a menu, grocery shopping, and spending time in the kitchen.
    4. Hosting or Attending Events: Arranging and hosting holiday gatherings, parties, or dinners, or attending such events hosted by others.
    5. Travel Planning: Coordinating and planning travel arrangements if you’re visiting family or friends or hosting guests during the holiday season.
    6. Holiday Cards and Correspondence: Sending out holiday cards or newsletters to friends and family, which may involve taking family photos, writing personalized messages, and addressing envelopes.
    7. Charitable Activities: Participating in or organizing charitable activities, such as volunteering at a local shelter, donating to food drives, or contributing to other community initiatives.
    8. Winterizing the Home: Taking care of tasks related to winter weather, such as ensuring the home is well-insulated, preparing for potential snow or cold weather, and maintaining outdoor spaces.
    9. Cultural or Religious Observances: Participating in religious or cultural activities associated with the winter holidays, which may include attending services, ceremonies, or other traditional events.
    10. Budgeting and Financial Planning: Managing finances to accommodate holiday-related expenses, including gifts, decorations, travel, and entertaining.
    11. Gift Exchanges: Participating in gift exchanges at workplaces, social groups, or with extended family members.
    12. School and Community Events: Attending or organizing events at schools or within the community, such as holiday concerts, plays, or parades.
    13. Reflection and Gratitude: Taking time for personal reflection, expressing gratitude, and setting intentions for the upcoming year.
    14. Health and Wellness: Prioritizing self-care and maintaining physical and mental well-being amidst the busyness of the season.

    If you scored below 10 you needn’t bother reading the rest of this article. You are obviously having a great time, keep it up.

    If you scored 60 to 70 you need more help than this article can adequately provide. Maybe find a therapist.

    Anything between 10 and 60 you can probably tweak it a bit and give yourself a much easier time. Read on for some tips.

    First Step: Stop doing things that aren’t working for you.

    Maybe identify the top three things on this list.

    These things are not working for you. If something is not working for you then you should consider stopping it or changing it in some way so that it does work for you.

    For example: For years big family gatherings have not worked for me for a variety of reasons. Through illness, I lost hearing in one ear so a room full of chattering relations is completely exhausting to me. I can only hold a conversation 1 to 1 by cupping my hand around my ear and lip reading to try and decipher the one voice above all the background noise.

    I have a big family so trying to speak individually with up to 35 people was impossible. My first strategy was to tell myself that talking one-on-one with my mum and dad was the priority. A conversation with anyone else would be a bonus. This worked for a couple of years.

    I then had a personal bereavement and being in a room with lots of joking and present-giving became a stressful ordeal. This year I have decided to go on holiday abroad for the whole two weeks. Job done, stressful family parties no longer possible.

    Second step: Do more of the things that are working for you.

    Identify the things on your list that scored 0. They cause you no stress at all. Do more of them. Ramp them up. Make this part of the holiday your specialism, your sweet spot.

    For me, it is cooking. I love getting a big meal together, the planning, the execution and sitting down together to enjoy it, all bring me joy. One year I found myself making chocolate truffles by hand for everyone. It killed two birds with one stone. I hated buying and organising presents. I loved making handmade chocolates, learning a new skill and executing it.

    Image created by the author

    Third Step: Deal with the fallout of stopping doing something you have done for years.

    You may find obstacles in your way. You may have guilt, voices telling you that you are upsetting others, and others blaming you for upsetting them. This is all noise. If you are reducing your stress levels then there is nothing but good that can come from that.

    Guilt is something generated by your inner critic. Ask that voice to take a holiday too. Maybe give your inner critic permission to take a holiday.
    β€œHey, critical judgemental voice in my head! Take a break, you deserve it, you’ve been working overtime we all deserve some time off.”

    Another part of the fallout that may occur is that there could be parts of you that were in a way getting their needs met by being stressed out over the Christmas Season. It could be a pattern of survival you created within your family during childhood. You have been repeating this pattern unconsciously ever since.

    Changing a lifelong pattern of relating is bound to bring with it some withdrawal symptoms. Recognise them for what they are and keep focused on doing the things you want to do and not doing the things you don’t want to do. If you find the stress creeping back in, change your tactic in some way.

    Notes about planning and foreseeing obstacles.

    I have worked with a few clients on this part of the process. They describe family events they feel obliged to attend and then feeling trapped in this space where someone may be drinking excessively and becoming obnoxious, or a judgemental relation is haranguing them with bigoted views or a parent is talking to them as if they were still 12 years old and not a fully functioning adult.

    What we work on is a strategy to attend the event in a way that fulfils your feeling of obligation, but gives you a get-out clause as soon as you feel those elements of stress or discomfort creeping in.

    One very simple solution might be rather than sharing a ride to an event or offering a lift to another member of the family, to drive there alone. This means you can leave whenever you are ready to and don’t have to wait around for someone else.

    You might want to pre-prepare an exit excuse. In my case, I feel perfectly happy sharing a downright lie.
    β€œSorry, I have to go to meet β€” β€”. It’s the only time we could both fit in. Bye”

    Embrace the Joyful season

    I encourage you to put your well-being at the top of your priority list. You have no responsibility to keep others happy and attempting to can be a never-ending and ultimately fruitless task.

    Focusing on your own feelings of peace and well-being permits others to do the same. Follow some of the strategies above and you may discover that you can embrace the qualities of peace and goodwill that are supposed to be embedded in the season.

    Remember if you only change one small thing this year, next year you can build on that. Striking a balance between compassion for others and self-care is key, allowing you to foster genuine connections without compromising your mental and emotional health.

    I wish you a peaceful and rejuvenating holiday.

    I welcome feedback in the comments below.