Looking beyond quick fixes and instant remedies.

Complex trauma is a condition many of us suffer from. By definition, it is not the result of a single event. It often begins subtly in childhood as the result of some form of abuse, neglect, stress or simply the lack of sufficient care. As children, we are programmed to find a way of surviving in less-than-ideal circumstances.

This may be compounded later in life through traumatic issues arising in relationships or a singular traumatic event.

We develop coping strategies, and our human resilience finds a way of adapting to the environment within which we find ourselves. Our authentic self gives us the power and drive to move towards an uncertain future. At the same time, we adapt to our emotional and social environment on a mental, physical, emotional and spiritual level.

I asked ChatGPT for some help getting clarity in writing this section, and I quoted the answer in full because I couldn’t put it better.

This intricate dance between our inner self and the world around us allows us to survive and thrive in the face of life’s challenges. We learn to harness the power of our emotions, channelling them into motivation and creativity. Our mental faculties enable us to analyze, learn, and grow from our experiences, while our physical strength and endurance help us overcome physical obstacles. Emotionally, we build connections, empathy, and resilience, forming deep bonds with others. Spiritually, we seek meaning and purpose, connecting with something greater than ourselves. As we continue this journey of self-discovery and adaptation, we find that our authentic self is not a fixed point but a constantly evolving entity, capable of embracing change and uncertainty with courage and grace.

[Note Chat GPT combines multiple online sources to construct an answer to a specific question]

Complex trauma can affect us emotionally, mentally, physically or spiritually. Usually, it is a combination of some or all of these.

Shutting down parts of ourselves

I very quickly learnt that physical affection or comfort from cuddles and hugs was not something I would get an abundance of. In a large family of mainly boys, I was more likely to gain physical contact through play-fighting or being “boxed around the ears” by a parent. My mother would sit me in her lap to squeeze spots, clean out ears, or lance boils. Job done. I would be off the lap, making way for the next person in line.

My father was a handshake-only sort of person. I remember initiating my first hug with him when I was 46.

At age 68, I have come to terms with the impact of this deprivation of close physical contact as a child. My maladaptive self has made it a lifelong struggle. My sexual relationships have been impacted. Gaining physical comfort from another human being was a fight, a struggle or part of a competition. Some comments from my family even led me to believe my need for physical comfort was something shameful and disgusting.

I can only empathise with my first wife, who left after four years of dealing with my constant neediness and confusion in this area.

This is one of many parts of myself that I shut down or created a maladaptive strategy around.

Which parts of yourself have you shut down?

Here is a possible list of maladaptive behaviours which can result from childhood trauma.

1. Avoidance: You avoid specific stressors or situations rather than facing them head-on.
2. Substance Abuse: Using drugs or alcohol to desensitise yourself or escape from complicated feelings. (eating disorders can be included here)
3. Self-Harm: Inflicting pain on yourself seemingly gives temporary relief from unresolved, overwhelming feelings.
4. Dissociation: You disconnect from your thoughts and feelings when in stressful situations. You become an observer of yourself.
5. Rumination: Overthinking or excessive worrying, which can get in the way of taking appropriate action to solve a problematic situation.
6. Passive Aggression: When you feel anger or frustration but feel you have to hide it. Later, the feelings may burst out inappropriately.
7. Excessive Social Withdrawal: Isolating yourself even when you need support and connection with others.
8. Projection: Blaming others for the difficulties you are having rather than taking responsibility for them yourself.
9. Perfectionism: You set unrealistic standards for yourself and experience disappointment in not achieving them.
10. Escapism: Getting lost in computer games, binge-watching TV or Sex addiction as a way of avoiding facing the challenges of life.

The Maladaptive Self and the Authentic Self

The maladaptive self is like a series of layers you have created as protection to survive the rigours of life. The trouble is it was constructed in an environment which was not representative of the whole world. You constructed it to survive the particular circumstances of your family life.

As you move into independent adult living, those survival strategies may no longer be relevant or workable.

Many people find themselves unconsciously drawn to environments similar to their family environment. Their maladaptive self is in control. The most obvious example of this is people with abusive or controlling parents finding themselves with abusive and controlling partners.

The maladaptive self is very comfortable in this environment, no matter how uncomfortable the adult or authentic self may find it.

Recognising and becoming aware of your maladaptive strategies is the way of creating a life which you choose rather than a life rooted in past circumstances.

Quick fix strategies, the purpose and the dangers.

You could look at the list of maladaptive behaviours above, choose one and then find a therapist who deals specifically with that behaviour. You could work through the list with a different therapist for each.

The purpose of some quick-fix therapies is simply that. Identify an issue and create new coping strategies that are more appropriate to an adult life.

In some ways, this is more of the same. Rather than looking at the root cause, you are dealing with a symptom, and the danger is that you are simply layering new behaviours on top of the maladaptive behaviours.

Some clients become overwhelmed. Rather than living an authentic, harmonious life, they are constantly spinning plates. In every situation they encounter, they have to recognise and put on hold their previous maladaptive behaviour and initiate this new behaviour, which they are not yet entirely comfortable with.

The piecemeal approach to personal growth and self-awareness is deeply ingrained. It comes from the medical model of mental health.
I can’t sleep — take a sleeping pill.
I am anxious — learn breathing techniques.
I am depressed — take antidepressants.
We are so used to working with the symptoms of our distress that no one even thinks to help us work with the cause. Sticking plasters layered on top of band-aids.

This approach is exhausting and unsustainable. In some cases, I see it as further embedding the trauma rather than relieving or releasing it in any way.

The Holistic Long-term therapy approach.

Many clients come to me, and their first words are
“I tried — — — — therapy for six weeks, and it was a waste of time.”

After six or so sessions of working with their issues holistically, considering cognitive, emotional, somatic and spiritual aspects affecting them, they almost always feel it is a good use of time and commit to the long haul.

The work is more than single-goal focused. There are often steps backwards as well as forwards and quite a lot of going around in circles. Part of the healing is accepting that the process can be non-linear. It is more about developing an overview than following a path.

One client, a military gentleman not often resorting to metaphor, explained:

When I arrived, I was like a spider, only aware of one tiny part of the web I was on. I felt the web vibrate and shake, and I was terrified of what was happening. I could not see what was happening. I felt all of it, and it was all unknown.

[20 sessions later] Now it’s like I have a bird’s eye view of the web. I feel a vibration, and I can see it is just a leaf brushing past with the wind. Everything I feel now has some context, and it no longer terrifies me.

Self-awareness is a state of being not a project to take on.

Some clients take on self-awareness like they would a work-based project. There are goals and to-do lists, deadlines missed, and spreadsheets created.

I have no judgment about this, but I do expect that, over time, this will get forgotten. Life is not a project. Life is to be lived.

Having experienced trauma as a child, overthinking becomes a habit.
“I will be safer if I behave like this”
Every part of one’s day becomes a strategic event. The ability to be, to simply exist freely as a child should, is lost. Every step must be calculated tested and measured.

Long-term therapy can turn back the clock. A place can be experienced where it is safe to simply be. Where you can experience the moment without fear of reprisals. Where your imagination can run riot. Where any feeling can be expressed without judgment criticism or shame.

When you experience the freedom to simply be yourself in therapy you have made a connection with your inner child and the uncovering of the authentic self has begun.